My wife and I have arguments about the family. She thinks that I have too high expectations of wanting see them. She doesn't think she should have to see them more than once a month. We live about 90 miles from her parents and a little more than two miles from mine. I help her parents when I can because they are moving into a new house. This a first marriage for is both of us. I am going to be 40 later this year and she is in her 40's.

We sometimes spend the night at her parents and sometimes they spend the night at our house. I make sure that we spend more days with her parents then we do with mine.

She often argues with me that our expectations for spending time with my family are too high but she has asked me to go to her parents by myself and help them get their house ready to be moved into which I offered, but they turned me down.

I asked her this morning to go with me and wish my nephews and nieces and my sister-in-law farewell (we haven't seen them in over a year at our wedding) but she got mad about it because she just spent last weekend with her parents helping them get their house ready to move into.

Today I told her that she was the one with the higher expecetations and if she continued to refuse to see my family that resentment would start building.

I don't want a divorce but can't help feel that my wife is selfish when it comes to spending quality time as a couple with my family. I am not saying that she doesn't do it at all but not enough and usually fusses about it. (The other day was one of the few times in over a year of our marriage where she voluntarily offered to have the family over and cook for them.)

We have seen a counseler about this before and I have backed off greatly, but would like to see her meet me a little more half way. (She did have a cookout for my family about two weeks ago.) Still I am going to have her parents over later this week and driving them to the airport on my day off so that they can go on vacation.

I would go back to a counselor but they are hard to afford. I am either going to have to quit asking her or possibly face divorce or a trial seperation. I want to stay married but also want my wife to be supportive in spending time with my family like I am supportive spending time with hers.

I feel that you have good intentions where your relatives are concerned as well as "valid and logical reasons" about not spending much time with them, but unfortunately 'face time' matters when it comes to family relationships. It would be great if the family could visit you at your house then. Would that work better? An invite from you to them to gather at your place once a month would help smooth things out for both sides wouldn't it? Then, if they refuse that, you could explain calmly and logically why you would need to do this rather than visiting them constantly etc. It will take effort on both parts to work this out so that neither you nor your relatives feel unliked or disrespected!

Hi AuthorSheriC, and thank you for your reply. I really am not sure if they are hurt, but am sure they have noticed a change...I have sat back few times and observed the situation myself and I came to similar conclusion as yours that I used to visit them more often then and now that I haven't been able to fulfill those duties. I think the thing is everyone’s life status changes through time....those who experiences the change adjust themselves to those changes quickly....those who are observing the change others life from outside the close circle will have hard time understanding or accepting that fact. I am sure my family knows...I much more busier then I once was...I have two jobs...I bought a house.... responsibilities as a husband is just another big change in life that's keeping me busy....I don't want to justify myself with these being the reason for me not being able to visit them. I just want them not to expect much but know that I am still a member of that same family...and love and respect them in same way I did. We do have these family gatherings and potlucks...games...it's a lot of fun and everyone comes for that same purpose. Those are situations that we plan....when I visit mom and dad...and that's my plan...anything else being suggested by them....will frustrate me very easily...cause both wife and I have probably made other arrangements for our weekend. I am sure that you know that on a Saturday or Sunday...there isn't much time in it...you can not realistically do a lot and make everyone happy...especially when you haven't planned for it.

The other thing is...most family members such as my own parents have more time....they don’t work as much....they have plenty of free time to call me if not visit me......I realize we are the younger one...but who really makes that rule in a relationship that younger member of family has to be running around and paying their respect when they see the elders taking no initiative at all...to me it odd times for these extended family members it seems as our relationship is really one sided....where I give and give....and there is nothing from them to offer. My wife being new to family she says at times...that maybe they don't like us or they don't like her....I mean I would feel the same if I have been calling my extended in laws always and they wouldn't even bother once calling or visiting us.

I don't want to feel regret for elders ever getting ill or passing away and us not being able to fulfilling their wishes. I just wish that the elders in the family could acknowledge and put their ego aside that if I am the younger...I could have valid and logical reasons behind what I feel or what I expect from them to keep the relationship healthy.

Hi Oblivious. Do you think that your family could feel hurt that you used to visit them "very often" until you got married? Is it possible that they may feel that your new wife doesn't care to spend time with them? This is probably not the case with your wife as I'm sure the two of you really don't have a lot of free time, but look at it from your family's point of view. If you used to spend a lot of time with them and then this stopped after you got married, it is understandable that they would feel rejected and hurt by it.

Could you all arrange visits that include your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. all in one place such as a family dinner? (It could be potluck where everyone brings something to save on the work involved etc.) It could be once a month even since you live 2 hours away. This would still give you 3 whole weekends a month to do other things since you'd visit everyone at once.

Plus, if you mention the idea to your relatives, they would realize that you are trying to work out a way to see everyone. Also remember that, especially with older relatives, you never know when their time has come to pass away and you don't want to really feel guilty and regret that that you didn't spend more time with them when you had the chance!

Hi, I am new here, but I need some feedback. I have been visiting family very often in the past (before my marriage)...I have recently got married...and I spend most of my time-off (which is normally just a sunday or sometimes if I get lucky saturday and sunday) with my wife...I don't visit family as often anymore..especially the extended family members. The tension I been experiencing lately is that every time I visit my parents with my wife...they suggest (and expect) that we should visit...uncle...or aunt...or grandparents...and if my time doesn't permit me to visit them and I don't...I feel that my parents are getting disappointed and my wife being new to the family doesn't understand why we have to be made feel guilty when our time frame on our visits are so small that we dont' even get to spend enough quality time with parnets.

My most recent visit was this past weekend...we went because it was father's day and I wanted to spent some time with my dad...but they decided to visit the extended family to pay their regards to my grandfather and everyone was gathering up....I really couldn't go....forcing myself going there..as we decided to leave early because we live at least 2hours (driving distance) away from them....we were once again made feel guilty....and the more I experience this awkward tension...the more I want avoid family visitation.

Please tell me what you think we are doing wrong or how I can stress this out to my parents to realize. I have taken initiatives calling extended family from time to time...but rather than them appreciating my calls...they have nagged that I haven't visited them. I just don't understand why they expect....I don't hear from anyone...until I call.....