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What is Date Rape?

Date rape can occur after someone puts an illegal drug into another's drink.
The key to defining date rape is that no consent is obtained from the person raped.
Some centers operate a telephone hotline for people who have been sexually assaulted.
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  • Last Modified Date: 18 September 2014
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Date rape or acquaintance rape refers to the rape of a person by someone the person knows. Knowledge of the rapist in this type of rape can range from chance acquaintance to intimate relationship with the person, including marriage.

Date rape is the most common form of rape. About 28% of rape victims in the US that report the attack are raped by their husbands or boyfriends. The Department of Justice believes that closer to 35% of those raped are raped by an acquaintance. Continued public education may help reduce these numbers, but ultimately, is only part of a tremendous problem. Although it is the most common type of rape, it can be harder to prove in court, because of the victim’s acquaintance with the rapist, and all the possible explanations of the crime.

The key to defining date rape is that no consent is obtained from the person raped. Non-consent may either be verbal, or if the person is unconscious, any touching or sexual contact with that person is viewed as nonconsensual. For those who may not be clear on the matter, even the weakest “no” or “stop” represents failure to consent and should be respected as the person’s desire not to have sexual intercourse.

One potential problem with prosecuting this crime is that the victim, usually the only witness to the crime, must prove he or she did not consent. Dating a person, dressing provocatively, or flirting may be seen as mixed signals. However, any person who declines sex with an acquaintance, a partner, or girlfriend or boyfriend essentially establishes non-consent, even if the person who declines has given mixed signals, or consented to sexual intercourse in the past. Anytime a would-be sexual partner requests that sexual behavior stop, it must stop or it is an illegal and criminal act.

Another major challenge to adequately prosecuting date rape is that the person raped may not have full recollection of the events that occurred. This can be the case, as for example, at parties where a woman, or man, has had too much alcohol. In other instances, some rapists now specifically disable their victims by putting different forms of illegal drugs in their drinks, alcoholic or otherwise. Drugs like rohypnol, ketamine, or Gamma- Hydroxybutyric acid (GHB) can cause compliance or unconsciousness, making a person who does not consent to intercourse easy to subdue.

To address this crime, which is particularly prevalent on college campuses, some colleges now offer contracts between people who date, which specify exactly what type of sexual behavior is welcome, and what is not. However, since at least half of date rape occurs where both parties are under the influence of alcohol, which is freely available on most college campuses, such contracts may not be honored.

Law enforcement experts recommend the following to help reduce attempted date rape. Attend parties with friends, and never put your drink down where it could be tampered with. Do not accept a drink from someone you hardly know or know casually. Avoid drinking alcohol to excess as it minimizes your ability to defend yourself, or recognize a potentially dangerous situation. Avoid the use of illegal drugs, which can also interfere with ability to defend yourself. Employ a buddy system to make sure everyone gets home safely.

If you are the victim of date rape, you are not alone. Reporting rape can be challenging, and participating in the prosecution of a date rapist is emotionally daunting. Do get help from the many support groups for those who have been victims of violence. In one's recovery from any sexual assault, it is important to get counseling to help cope with misplaced feelings of guilt and shame.

For women who have been date raped by a husband or boyfriend, be aware that this abuse of your person is likely to occur again. If you can, get to a safe place and report the crime. Women who suffer a history of abuse with a husband or boyfriend are at extreme risk for continued and escalated abuse. Again, you are not alone and are actually among the majority of rape victims. There is support for all victims of rape, which can find by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, or by calling 911 to report a rape.

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anon941044
Post 69

A couple of months ago, I was at a small party at a guy's apartment with some of my friends. We had already been drinking before, so when I got there I was already drunk. Once I got there, I ended up drinking more of the drink they provided, which turned out to be a lot stronger than I thought.

Later on, I was very drunk, and my friends were leaving, but I wanted to stay and chill with one of my male friends. After this point it gets really blurry. I remember suddenly being in his room with him, and then I started throwing up. After that, I briefly remember lying down and him starting to take off my clothes, but I was so out of it that I didn't do anything and I thought he was just helping me clean off. The lights were off, and I think I remember him asking if he could go down on me, but I don't remember consenting. After that, I can't remember when he started having sex with me. I just remember coming to, and he was inside me. I told him to stop and he did, but then he started again later.

I am so confused about this still and want to know if it is rape. Why would he have sex with me if I had been so drunk I was sick?

anon353133
Post 68

A year ago I had my friends round for a drink and we got drunk. I walked them halfway home and sat on my doorstep afterward to calm down and try and sober up a little more before I went to bed. I wanted to go for a walk or someone to sit with me while I was sobering up because I didn’t feel great about being drunk and alone.

I messaged a friend and he offered to meet me and chill and asked what I wanted to do, so I said maybe go for a walk? He invited me to go for a chilled beer at his friend’s house down the road from me. I agreed, thinking maybe that will be safer than walking the streets and met him.

We hung out, chilled, watched TV and laughed. It was harmless and quite fun. I knew my boyfriend would worry if I was out alone too late, so I told myself I’d go home soon. I had a few swigs of something they offered me (I assumed it was vodka) I had a smoke of what I thought was a cigarette but it turned out to be weed. I then blunted it and just asked for a normal cigarette. The only thing I remember after standing up after being there for about 30 minutes, is I woke up in my bed smelling like cigarettes and strong alcohol and I was in pain.

I got up out of bed and my tights were ripped to pieces on my legs. There were runs everywhere, the heels were gone out of them and my feet were filthy. I passed my shoes on the way to the bathroom and saw I had kicked them off without undoing the laces. I picked them up and they were tied in bows/knots at the top of the shoe. I never do that. I always tuck them in. This was odd, I thought.

I went to the bathroom, pulled down my shorts and only saw my tights. My underwear was over the top of my tights and my sanitary towel was covered in mud and twigs and bits of leaves. My genitals felt swollen and it hurt to urinate and wipe myself. I was only wearing the vest top I had on underneath my big band shirt. I lifted it up because my breasts felt sore and saw I had a tiny splattering of my period blood on my white bra. I had these odd tiny bruises on the insides of my arms and the odd scratch. I also had a nasty blister on my finger which looked like maybe I had been burned. I assumed maybe I’d dropped a cigarette.

I messaged the guy asking what happened and told him I didn't remember a single thing and he told me he "took care of me" and that he walked me home. He was being casual. He said, “You were so drunk" and asked, "Do you really not remember anything?" I casually thought well, this seems okay and said no, nothing. He messaged back, "not even the trip to the car park?" Then, I suddenly got a flash of myself standing topless in a grubby old pub car park, in the bushes looking around. I remember seeing him and his friend on the outside of the bush and then on the inside, I felt sick.

I said no and I told him not to tell me. I begged him not to tell me. "Aw, why are you ashamed babe?" he replied. He kept saying how he had a great time with me. I then begged him to forget the incident and he replied, "It was pretty unforgettable for me." I begged him. I told him I don’t remember a thing and let’s just keep it that way, that this wasn’t funny, I have a boyfriend whom I love and he suddenly changed. He said, "Nah, I feel like scum now. Don’t blame me for something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even know how bad you were or I wouldn’t have done anything.”

He got so defensive, I panicked. He was getting mad and I apologized. I asked politely for him to please drop it and let it be history. He agreed and he agreed his friend would do the same, too. I continued to message him afterward out of fear for his retaliation again. After a while it sickened me and I couldn’t do it anymore and I never replied. Two months went by and he never messaged me again. Earlier this year I found out that his friend had also joined in, but I still have no recollection of it.

anon343977
Post 67

I passed out one night after drinking a lot, and I woke up with no idea where I was (before realising I was in my room), with someone on top of me (whom I then realised was a friend of mine). I didn't say no, or stop him, but I was too drunk. He kept telling me to stop "faking it" but I just wanted him to leave, and I don't know why I just didn't tell him no.

I don't remember much, whether he wore a condom or not, or when he came in or even if I invited him. Not sure if I'm blaming myself, or just avoiding facing what might've happened to me... Anyone?

anon295138
Post 66

One night while I was out with a friend of mine I got a call from my friend "Jimmy." He and my other friend, “Dustin," were near where I was and asked if I wanted to go back ti Jimmy's for a party. I'd known both of them for more than five years, so of course I said yes. I told them they had to pick me up since I had been drinking and they agreed. I went outside to meet them and Jimmy was driving his extended cab truck and Dustin was in the back. A guy I didn't know was up front in the passenger seat.

When we hopped on the interstate towards Jimmy's house, Dustin scooted over to me and started putting his hands up my shirt and trying to kiss me. I was actually in shock and for a second was trying to wrap my mind around it. I never liked him like that, and to top it all off, he is married. I started telling him to stop. I kind of tried to laugh it off so he couldn't see how nervous I was getting. He just started getting more and more aggressive. I'd had a few beers and he smelled like marijuana bad, so it was starting to make me sick.

He started unzipping my pants and I just started screaming for Jimmy to stop the truck. I was pushing him away and begging him to get off of me but he wouldn't. I looked out the dark window and could see a McDonald's sign, which meant we were actually passing the exit to my own house. I screamed for them to take me home. By the time we got to their exit about three miles down the road he had inserted himself in me. I started kicking the window and crying. The entire time Jimmy was pleading with him to stop, but the guy in the passenger seat was laughing, but still Jimmy never pulled over.

Jimmy got off at the exit finally and pulled into a gas station. I jumped out of the truck and ran inside. I called my friend to pick me up and he did. Jimmy called me about three hours later and simply said are you okay? I said, "You know there is a word for what happened in your truck, right?" He said, "Yes, are you okay?" and that was it. I never told anyone.

I still have nightmares about this three years later and I don't know what to do.

anon289348
Post 65

I let this guy kiss me. It escalated and he was on top of me. I said no but he said that really meant yes. He took my clothes off. I told him I couldn't do this but he said we weren't going to have sex. He fingered me and went down on me even though I didn't want him to but we didn't technically have sex. Is that sexual assault or rape?

anon288020
Post 64

So a girl invited me over to her room to watch a movie. We sat together and our arms were touching. I had liked her for a while, so I kissed her. She kissed me back and we cuddled and held hands. We kissed multiple times, and then I put her hand on my crotch. (I had been running my hands up and down her body before). She immediately pulled away and I stopped completely and left without touching her again. She says she feels violated, and I feel awful. I had no intentions of hurting her, I just wanted to see how she felt about me (a silly dating advice website told me to put her hand there to move things forward). Is this sexual battery?

anon283974
Post 62

I think I was date raped over two years ago. I was in denial about what had happened but I've recollected certain things I remember from that night such as feeling drowsy and tired, etc., and I have had chronic unexplained pelvic pain for many months now which lead me to this possibility. I hope this chronic pelvic pain will end soon as I wonder if I will have to endure this pain long term for many years.

anon272861
Post 60

Yesterday, I told my kids' father – my abuser – that he was no longer accepted in the family and that I wasn't happy anymore and I wanted to move on. He said OK, it's over then. Fine. So I took that as he took what I said seriously and that he was going to let me move on.

So my mother invited him to stay the night and to stay for dinner. I said fine, that I trusted him, so he slept on the couch and I slept on an air mattress in the front room while my mother slept with the kids in her room. At four o'clock in the morning, I was sleeping so peacefully and then I woke up to feeling him pull the covers off of me and I felt him climbing on top of me, so I woke up and said no, stop and tried to push his hand away. He forced my hand away as if he didn't want me to stop him. He pulled my pants down and penetrated me while holding me down and not stopping when I was telling him to. I asked him to pull out because I wasn't using any protection, but he didn't stop and he ejaculated inside me. I feel so confused about whether it was rape or not. But could it have been rape?

anon272366
Post 59

@anon43510: No, that is not rape. People throw that word around too loosely these days. Unless he threatened to hurt you or physically restrained you, nothing was stopping you from putting off his persistent requests for sex by getting out of the bed and going to sleep elsewhere, even in the bathtub if it was that big of a deal.

If he did one of the above things, then yes it is rape. But if he just kept asking and you gave in and then regretted it, you really should not be trying to call him a rapist. I'm the first one to call out a guy on bad behavior, but it sounds like in this case you got drunk and stupid and are trying to place the blame elsewhere. People don't seem to think they need to take responsibility for their own actions anymore.

anon249011
Post 57

I have to say I am glad I don't drink. I hate rape, just like everyone else, and yes, a no is a no!

But what I don't understand is, why drink? And why trust someone who is drunk?

Why trust a complete stranger just because they look good, or they are hot? What on earth?

My God, people! Get your priorities straight! Who are you? What do you want in life? I don't even know what a party is Young, beautiful people playing with their lives. It's not fair, not for your or your families, or your family to come!

If you don't want this happening to your child, stop drinking and partying, and start respecting your body. It's on loan. Kind Regards. --a Muslim

anon244431
Post 56

My girlfriend says she was tricked into a date by a senior university administrator. She was asked to meet the guy at some hotel in town. They had some drinks and charting about college until the guy said lets' move upstairs because here there is noise and she followed, only to discover they were alone there and the guy immediately closed and locked the door before she knew it he was on top of her and took her virginity. She did not report the case, believing she was stupid and asked for it.

The girl is from not a so well-to-do family and her father passed on years back. This guy actually called her on the pretext that he was helping her understand university life and talked about how he assisted her to get the place, but the girl says he only gave directions to how to apply and had no influence whatsoever.

Now she found out that there were places for industrial attachment and student work study which gave her some money so she tricked the guy into believing he would get the same stuff and asked him for help, and he did, but to her, that was recompense for the pain that he afflicted on her and for nothing from her.

The guy mentioned has abused many girls like her and I now do not know whether this is a true story or she created it because I work closely with the guy and would one day discover that she also had an affair with him because the information is that he doesn't help them for free. Please help.

anon243423
Post 55

I met this Columbian guy like almost three months ago on my way to work. He was very handsome and I considered myself lucky when he asked me for my number and a date, to which I agreed without hesitation. My mom wanted my brother to go with me, but I told her we’d go to the movies instead, where I knew almost everyone there, so she let me go alone. We met and he had a friend with him, and they spoke in Spanish, then he took me up to a bar across the street and asked me what I’d like. I lied and told him I didn’t drink because I wanted to be careful in every way. He bought drinks for himself and his friend and told me that he’d drop the drinks off at his friend’s apartment then we’d be off, so I agreed, but when we got inside the gate I felt sick

The same friend let us into his studio apartment and I said to myself nothing will happen because they’re foreigners, so I went in and he told me that he wanted to bathe before we leave. I said OK, and they both spoke in Spanish again while he stripped down, but was still in his jeans. He then turned to me and pulled me into the bathroom for me to bathe with him. We kissed a bit and I tried pulling away while asking him to bathe and I’d wait for him. He said no and continued touching and kissing me. Then his friend spoke to him again and walked out the door and locked it on us.

I got scared and tried to run, but he pinned me against the wall and then walked me to the bed. I was numb but I fought as much as I could and begged him to get off me. I saw him reach for my throat so I tried not to fight too much, but all I could think is if he got his way would he kill me because no one knows where I am.

He didn’t talk to me during the ordeal for what felt like almost half an hour and as I said, I couldn’t feel or remember much but he went down on me and was then apologetic. I don’t know what for even though he continued to make love to me, but when I got up and pulled my underwear up, it was covered in semen. I felt the shivers so I attempted to clean up myself and he bathed while looking at me over his shoulders. I was in total shock and couldn’t move around. After he called his friend in and while the friend took his turn bathing, he started kissing me all over again and then touched me while asking for sex, and I kept refusing until he got fed up and his friend came out.

He continued to apologize and I said to myself it was probably a mistake but days after, I got sick so I tried contacting him to meet me so I could ask him what really happened that night and he agreed. The thing is, he never showed up, so his friend tried to do me too. It was the worst moment in my entire life. He was a bit more violent and I had to watch my words. I was able to talk my way out of sex, but not the “other things” he did to me -- over and over and over again -- and to have my body betray me in those times was more than painful.

It was painful to report them, well, because of my friends, but I did and I regret telling my mom who doesn’t support me mentally, but my friends have been there for me in times of trouble. The thing is now I’m not even sure if I’m pregnant, because the test says negative but I have every sign and symptom and the doctors treat me like a pest rather than a patient. I just wish it could all come to an end. I can’t even tell my own family because it will be so embarrassing and they will judge my actions.

anon242768
Post 32

@anon233027: It is not that she "Deserves a second chance". She did not do anything wrong in the first place. I don't understand why people don't realize that it is actually illegal to have sex or engage in any type of sexual activity with someone who is over a certain blood alcohol content. The law puts it under the same offense as having sex with someone who is mentally incapable of consenting (including people who are mentally challenged, e.g., down syndrome). Her friend's boyfriend broke the law and he deserves all the blame.

anon233027
Post 31

So I have a question. My friend tells me one night she was at a bar with all her friends and her best friend's boyfriend was there. She didn't talk to him the whole night, until she get in a fight with her mom on the phone. The guy tries to comfort her and instead keeps feeding her shot after shot.

After a long night and her friends had left, her friend's boyfriend takes her key and doesn't let her drive home. Instead, he tells her she can crash at his place for the night and he will take her to her car in the morning. After this, she blacks out and does not remember the rest of the night. She wakes up in the same bed as this guy and he tells her that they did stuff and begs her not to tell her best friend, which obviously was a mistake.

A month later, he ends up telling her best friend what happened, but does not tell her the whole story. Her best friend, who is mad at her, ends up telling her that she hates her and wants nothing to do with her, but do you think she deserves a second chance if she just told her friend the story? I don't know. If it were me, I would give her a second chance, but I need other people's opinions.

anon226209
Post 30

One night I went to a party and drank about half a coffee mug full of hard liquor (I downed it straight (unmixed). About 20 minutes later, I stopped by my guy friend's place (because we had walked to the party together, but he left sometime while I was there).

When I went over, everything was platonic as usual. And nothing about my behavior, or his, was sexually suggestive. However, despite the fact that I told him I was very tipsy, he kept pouring more alcohol in my cup and encouraging me to keep drinking. Since I knew him pretty well and trusted him, I didn't think much of it, and I kept drinking (more hard liquor-- grey goose to be exact). He didn't drink anything at all the entire night.

Eventually, I blacked out and fell over, unconscious. I woke up to the lights off, all of my clothes off, and him on top of me, penetrating me. I started crying out, and he put his hand over my mouth. I blacked out again. When I woke up, he was still penetrating me, but this time I had somehow moved from the bed, to the floor ( I am guessing I rolled off of the bed). I tried to call out again and tell him to stop and get off me, but he had his hands over my mouth and my words were all muffled. I then tried to pry his hands off of my mouth because at this point he was covering both my mouth and nose, and I couldn't breathe. He was still penetrating me throughout all of this. After trying to get him off of me with no success, I passed out again.

When I woke up, I was still so drunk that I couldn't move and had no control over my body. I was just lying there half conscious. He dressed me back up and then picked me up and carried me to my room.

The next day, he came into my room (despite my demands for him to stay out) to apologize and tell me how sorry he was. He started trying to make me feel bad for him by talking about how he was in a car accident over the summer and deserved to have died in the crash.

Regardless of his seemingly insincere apology, I reported the incident to my school authorities about a week later. However, because there were no witnesses, it has been extremely hard to get my point across. More over, he denied the fact that I was drunk in his testimony. He said that I was never drinking, he never poured me anything to drink. He said that I was leading him on and coming on to him. He admitted we had sex, but he lied and said that it was consensual and that I had been asking for it for months. He also said I undressed (and re-dressed) myself, and walked back to my room after having sex.

The worst part is that I found out I got an STD from what happened and that I also might be pregnant. I really don't know what to do at this point.

How could he do this? How could he use me like that and then have the nerve to come into my room and "apologize" to try to make me feel bad for him? How could he lie in his testimony and deny so much? And if I do end up being pregnant, I will have no way of making him take on the responsibility of paying for an abortion. (I apologize to those who are against abortions) but there is just no way I will have his child.

anon222678
Post 28

There is no justice in this world. I was at a party with my, I thought, "loving girlfriend. I had a bit too much to drink, so I had her drive us back to our place and she wanted to get frisky, but I was too drunk and clearly remember telling her I was not in the mood and did not want to do anything. She proceeded to "help me" undress and give me oral.

I was too drunk and too tired with the room spinning so I just passed out and the police would not even file a report. What makes women think they can get away with this kind of cold hearted breach of trust? Rape is the most heinous of all crimes, whether to a man or woman. Just because I didn't force her off myself or scream for help doesn't mean it was consensual! When will girls, also, understand that no is no?

anon211129
Post 27

Anon43510: it is rape. Even though you said yes in the end it was cause he consistently asked. You did nothing wrong and it's people like that that need to learn ask once and accept what ever answer comes their way.

Girls and woman are always blamed for the acts of boys and men. anon187858 why don't you turn your statement around. Why don't men and the people that do things like that take responsibility for their actions and learn when no is no.

Stop the lame excuses like blaming girls and woman for the way they dress, for getting drunk, for saying yes previously. Maybe it's time that boys and men take charge of their penises once and for all, and the world would be a better place.

anon187858
Post 26

@ post 21: This is exactly the kind of irresponsible behavior that deforms serious issues. You were not date raped, you got drunk and slept with someone. Deal with it. You then went and stayed in the same bed as him (on a different occasion) and wandered why he ended up on top of you. Did you just arrive on this planet?

Wake up. You are responsible for your own actions. You are not a delicate little flower that just blows in the wind.

anon172373
Post 25

A woman I know was out with a man friend of hers whom she had sex a few times before previously. What she said to me is the guy told her to "stop crying or i'll lose it", meaning his erection. He continued to have sex with her even though she was still crying. Is this rape? I believe it is, but I wanted someone else's opinion.

anon168768
Post 24

When I was 24 years old I got involved in a situation that was date rape. I met this guy at the university campus and we decided to go out on a date. I went out with him a few nights later and some of my friends came along but they wanted to stay out clubbing and he took me home in a cab. So he asked me if he could come into my flat (in the Halls) for a coffee. I wanted to play cool and I said yes. I thought my other flatmates would be around but they weren't at the time.

So I made the coffee and he came to my room. And we started kissing. And then he told me that he wanted sex and I said no. Did he stop? Nope. He just got on top of me and he was drunk and heavy and I couldn't shake him off. I wanted to scream but I froze and I thought it was my fault for not being careful enough.

I knew nobody would hear me, it being a saturday night and all the flatmates out partying. I let him do his bit and my brain switched off. If you ask me now if I remember anything, I don't. I refused to look at him or his private parts, but of course, he didn't mind.

Since I didn't put up a fight after that, being numb he had his fun and then rolled over and fell asleep. I got up and realised that he ejaculated inside of me. I probably fainted at this stage. Next thing I know, the fire alarm in the Halls is off and the firemen are coming. I dash out of the room and he follows me, puts his arm around me so as to be seen with me (as if we spend the night together) and then goes to his room.

I was shaking and crying silently and thankfully this girl approached me and asked me what happened. She took me to a pharmacy to get the morning after pill and then spoke to her friend who took me to the doctor.

I went to the police but didn't press charges because my father who is a very abusive men (in all ways) would most probably lose it and I was afraid he would once more hurt me so I refused. I went through all the process of having examinations and worrying he gave me HIV, and then I couldn't even leave my room because I was feeling so low and disgusted with myself.

People found out on campus and thought I just took a one night stand the wrong way so I kept myself confined to my room as much as possible.

My life has been destroyed after that. I cannot wear anything apart from jeans and lose fitting clothes, I can't go to the beach and show my body, I cannot get into the shower and look at my own body without feeling upset. I am on therapy now for all the abuse I had to undergo in my family and this situation has also come up. Right now I am so low I don't know how to move on.

anon151994
Post 23

a boy from my year had my books in his house and i asked him if he could get it for me since i was really shy of him because he was handsome and he was one of the most buff boys from my year and he said why don't you come with me? i felt a bit shocked.

we went and nobody was at home and he said come to my bedroom. there were loads of books that i can't remember. at first i was scared but then I thought he wouldn't do anything. i went up to his room and soon he gave me it and wanted to get out but i couldn't.

he locked the door and pulled his underwear and trousers down and i could not believe what i just saw. and he turned to me and stripped my clothes i told him no, don't do this, but he kept doing it. after he got a bit violent and he kept hitting my breast while he was doing it. i think of my friends having fun, i did not have any power over him.

If i started crying and calling for help he made it more hurtful later when he was done he made me do oral sex on him, which made me vomit because it was so big. when he finished he put got dressed and said that was nice. i got dressed and ran to my parents and now he's in prison. by the way this is in australia. I'll give you my advice: do not trust boys. this was like six years ago.

anon144447
Post 21

@2: This pretty much happened to me. I was very very good friends with a guy, we'd slept in the same bed and nothing more than kissing happened. As I said, I didn't want to have sex and ruin our friendship (it made sense at the time!), but after a very drunken night I stayed in his bed (he hadn't been out and was completely sober) and we had sex. I wouldn't really class this as rape as I don't think I said no, but it's still bad form on his part for taking advantage.

A few weeks ago we had all been on a night out and again we slept in the same bed but we both agreed nothing would happen. We hadn't spoken for a while as he was becoming too possessive. I woke up with him on top of me but he ignored me when I said no, so I eventually gave up.

My friend says I can't blame him and it's not rape because we'd had consensual sex before and I willingly got into his bed.

Bit confusing but I've needed to get that out. Personally, I think it's all a bit of a shady area. Especially when drink's involved.

anon139528
Post 20

i need to know if a situation i was in was rape or not and how should i tell my now ex whom i still love and am trying to work things out with. my boyfriend and i broke up a couple days ago. last night a mutual friend of ours (as well as business associate of my man's) gave me a ride to go talk to my man. Well, long story short, my boyfriend and i got in a fight and this friend took me home and we had both been drinking and he took my clothes off and was on top of me trying to have sex and i kept saying no. i love my man and he kept saying well you two are broken up and finally he stopped when i rolled away from him and cried.

anon138390
Post 19

To # 3, I totally agree! I am in the same situation as your son. I had sex with a coworker, not once but twice! in both occasions there was no alcohol involved, no forceful entry, nothing that would qualify as rape. In fact, she was the one who came to my room on both occasions.

She had plenty of time to leave, she got naked on her own accord, she was grabbing me and touching me all over to start sex. She even tried to have sex with me a few weeks after we had sex that weekend but I said no. I used to give this woman rides everywhere after it happened. I think she regrets that she ever had sex with me. I was a total creep to her after we did it and I did not enjoy having sex with her at all. I was not a gentleman, but that does not mean that I raped her.

My life, same as yours, has been complete hell ever since this happened. I was interrogated, and told that she was accusing me, but I was not allowed to know any details about her statement. I don't know what the hell she is claiming exactly. She had a bf at the time and I believe that she feels guilty that she ever cheated on him. To make matters worse, she waited years before saying anything to the police. I was like, huh?

This is very frustrating. I did not rape this woman and she ruined my life just because she regrets cheating on her bf. The US is extremely crazy about sex crimes and it is so scary to me. Unlike your son, I still enjoy my freedom as the investigation continues, since I have not been formally charged. I dread the day when they do charge me and drag me to jail until trial.

I understand that there are plenty of bad people out there and that rape is a horrible crime, however the system is set up so all it takes is somebody making a false accusation and a full blown, life ruining, suicide thoughts prompting investigation takes place.

My advice to you is that you do the same thing as I do: get help from the only one who can help you. God will not leave you alone if your son is innocent as I am, and he has the power to make your life go back to normal.

anon130694
Post 18

i went to a party with a friend to go see my boyfriend and her boyfriend and my bf was not at the party so she and her bf went to the room and some guy was telling me let's drink. so i did, but not that much, i was kind of ok and he was pulling me to the room "to talk about my guy" and he put me on the bed.

I got mad and tried to get out but could not. i told him no but he got me undressed and yea you know what he did. is this rape? i was crying for him to stop. is that rape?

anon122402
Post 17

is it rape if you had sex with the person willingly before, like a while before, and then one night the guy tries to have sex but you keep saying no i don't want to please no etc., till you just give up? It's considered rape, right? This happened to a friend of mine.

anon109995
Post 16

I must pass on my appreciation for enlightening people about acquaintance rape. Date rape is such a big deal, and yet, so many people treat it like a joke. I just don't get it.

Just a couple of days back, one of my friends was involved in a date rape assault, and she's been crying ever since. It's unbearable to see such things.

Seriously, I don't know how some of the men become such barbarians. It's disgusting. Just see this incident on date rape and you'll be shocked to see how an innocent girl was tricked into kissing her friend by force. And later, he even molested her.

Sometimes, these incidents are so scary, it can scar someone for like. And people who do read this post, please do remember what to do if you get raped. Many girls get confused or afraid, and end up ruining their own lives.

Remember that it is not your fault that you got raped. Most young girls blame themselves and spend the rest of their lives in misery. Stand up and speak out. Hope you'll learn to protect yourself and deal with these issues in future.

anon100532
Post 15

In response to #2. I have had the same situation with a few men. Men seem to be getting more aggressive and not understanding that no really and definitively means no.

I just went on a date with a guy I have known for years. I live 120 miles from him therefore I was going to stay at his house. He seemed to be plying me with alcohol which I kept to a minimum.

I discussed with him in no uncertain terms that I was not ready to have sex with him, but would like to investigate the possibilities of a relationship.

In bed, he was very aggressive and disregarding that I was saying no. This is rape! However, I am a criminal defense attorney and in the state in which I live this non-consensual sex would be a life sentence for him.

Therefore, in a situation as this I would have to agree with #3 and either discuss this negative behavior with the guy and tell him how it affected you and/or blow him off.

anon91248
Post 14

The legal standard is not about whether you said no. It's about whether they got your consent. This mean they needed clear, enthusiastic consent. It doesn't matter if you never said no.

anon80860
Post 13

well 12 i think it is lack of social life and to have not been on a date and just the sexual frustration building up. until the person does not think rationally.

anon77770
Post 12

What do you think causes people to have the urge to do things like that?

anon71269
Post 10

If I went on a date and intended to drink and before I started drinking told my date that we could mess around but absolutely no sex/penetration could occur, then I drank and we messed around and we ended up having sex, I never said no, but I was under the influence and I had told him clearly before drinking that I did not want to. He did not drink at all.

I know he had to have at least taken advantage of me, but was it anything beyond that?

anon70454
Post 9

For comment number 8: Depends on the definition and how the case is represented. then yes, it can be rape and on the other hand not.

For example, in the way you currently described it can be viewed as rape as they forced themselves on you when your brain activity was less then normal standard, and they took advantage of that.

For the no part, you said you agreed on one's activities, giving a signal of approval, and the part of not being willing might indicate that that person had to change activities.

A case as yours will have to be brought to a specialist who will first clear things up.

anon58804
Post 8

I'm feeling confused and angry and don't want to talk to my boyfriend. I don't know what to expect of my feelings now. I was with two acquaintances on new years eve at my daughter's house and after four drinks got very sick and was drunk.

i went into the house, i never invited them in, and we were playing pool in the garage and then they came in and threw me on the bed and ripped my pants off and proceeded to have sex with me. I was so drunk and sick i could hardly open my eyes or talk.

I did like what one was doing but not the others and i tried to say no. Now i feel guilty and confused and angry. Is this rape?

anon52446
Post 7

is there a chat room dedicated to rape victims that my wife could go to and talk to other victims of date rape where they were drugged and raped? please let me know i wrote in about my wife being gang raped.

anon52411
Post 6

my wife was just raped by six friends at the same time. she is only 30 years old never been subjected to anything like this and is going crazy in her head. she was drugged for weeks and didn't even know it. now she is pregnant and i can't help her. she can't sleep without waking up screaming. she can't stop shaking and blames herself. i need someone that has been through anything close to this to talk to me and maybe we can help my wife through this. please help me. this is important. my name is john my wife is karen

Moderator's reply: John, please get your wife into professional counseling. She needs the help of a trained professional, preferably someone who has experience in helping victims of sexual assault. If there is a rape crisis center in your area, they can help. We are so sorry she is going through this. Good luck.

anon47796
Post 3

The legal standard is if you said "no". But keep in mind that a charge of rape will result in the individual being thrown into jail as a "rapist" while awaiting trial, a very dangerous label to have while in jail and will likely result in some victimization (physical/sexual assault) of the person whom you have accused. If convicted they could spend decades in prison, Yes *decades*, for the exact scenario you are describing, with the same label 'rapist'. And when finally released, whatever is left of the person will be labeled a 'sex offender' for life. Their life will be extremely limited as to where they can live, and likely will not live anywhere safely, also where they can work and whether or not they will be able to travel or even reside with family. I am a rape victim, and it was terrifying and has left me permanently changed. (I was raped by a stranger with a weapon when I was only 16). I am also currently the mother of a boy who is being accused in a situation very similar to the one you describe with the exception being she never said no or stop and she is considerably older and he is barely over 18. We as a family are still awaiting trail and I can say that being the mother of a boy accused has been far more traumatic than the being the victim of a rape. I am not minimizing the horror of being a victim, and in my case being threatend with death, but being the mother of a boy who describes being told in jail that he would have his face cut from ear to ear and be repeatedly gang raped by other prisoners has caused me far more pain, and we have not even gone to trial yet. I have barely been able to care for my young daughter, as I try to keep secret from her the horror that she may be older than I am now by the time she gets her big brother back. In the two months since the accusation was made, my entire life now is consumed with meeting with lawyers and going to court dates while trying to keep my son from committing suicide as he is in a state of disabling fear over what will become of him. If he is convicted he will be 50 years old when he is released. And "no" he is not being accused of anything other than having sex. And has no criminal record. There is no accusation of any kind physical assault. Only non-consensual sex with each act being a separate charge. Think long and hard about what you're accusing and whether or not you can *truthfully* say you were forced. Regret does not equal rape. Best of luck to you in your journey and take care of yourself. If you truly believe that this individual is a danger to society than by all means do what you see fit. But it may better serve the world by telling him your take on what happened and how it affected you. He may have an entirely different recollection than you. Signed, Seeing it from both sides.

anon43510
Post 2

can someone let me know their opinion? if you have a friend and you visit him, and he is supposed to be your best friend, but you guys get drunk and while you are out kiss and hug and dance. When you get home and you are sharing a bed with him because you are visiting him and he pressures you to have sex and you say no various times, and finally feel like you have to give in. Is this still date rape?

anon21580
Post 1

what is the statute of limitation of date rape?

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