I went through the internet looking for "enabler" terms. I found your site. I so feel for all who have written in. From alcohol to drugs to porn, as wives, girlfriends and husbands try to find an answer to this, the term "enabler"!

I also have been married to a man for 24 years. and he has been heavily addicted to porn and all that goes with it. We have tried marriage counseling and he went to addiction recovery. It didn't last! Now he is more sneaky then ever and when I do catch him it is "so what"!

I enjoy sex and always have but he doesn't want me. He wants the "other". How do you fight that? I really don't have anyone to talk to who understands the full scope of this. So, I live with the where is he now syndrome and why is he late.

What do you do when this is all around you? Everything is sexual these days. Anyone out there who has been married for a long time with this problem? I have been told to leave him but that isn't as easy as you think or maybe it is and I am just scared. Any feedback would be appreciated.

I'm trying to find all the information possible on how *not* to be an enabler. My boyfriend had a relapse on last friday and took my bankcard and car and went on a cocaine binge. I called the bank before he could wipe out my account and notified the police of my car being taken without permission. I later found my car with the keys and bankcard hidden in the armrest, and he later called me after checking himself into our local VA hospital. Nevertheless, I've found myself being more empatheic towards him instead of angry and now I'm afraid I'm headed down the road of being an enabler since I've been there for him every day since he's been in the hospital! I don't want to become an enabler but I don't want to be a non-supportive person in his life also! Can someone please interject and tell me if I'm headed for enabling. *I told him he couldn't come back to my house* That he needed to seek additional help once released from the hospital.

I was looking for information about enabling in order to understand a friend of mine. I read all of these posts. Folks, you've just got to find someone to help you believe in yourselves. God did not make you to be so unhappy and your relief is actually within your grasp. It might be a baby step at first just to say no. But the steps will lead you to freedom. When you understand you cannot help your loved one by saying yes -- you will undesrtand that *no* is more powerful for change. Some of you will get into another destructive relationship if you don't understand the patterns. You have got to love and respect yourself. That's vital for recovery. Vaya con Dios

To those of you that have an alcoholic in your life, there is a group that parallels AA and it's called Al-Anon. It teaches you how to take care of yourself, not to engage in the addict's behavior, and it gives you a better outlook on life. My mom and I have been going to Al-Anon because my dad is a recovering alcoholic and my soon to be mother-in-law is a full blown alcoholic. I promise you, go to these meetings. It takes time to "get it" but you will feel so much better.

They say that I am enabling my daugther. She had a child at 18, another at 19, she is on and off with one of the dads He beats her and threatens both kids. She knows I will care for them, then leaves them here with me. What am I to do? Let the kids get hurt, or be left alone? The state has taken them and placed them with me. She visits but just sits here and watches tv. Her therapist and other workers say that I am the problem, but I just want what is best for the kids. She is not it. She has no motherly concern for them. How can you enable one child and not the others? Boys are not like this. Yes I was addicted to a lot of stuff way before I had the kids, but they never knew that person. It is hard to let a baby cry when its mother is right there and not taking care of their needs. She won't even answer the oldest when he says mom mom, he even screams at her. I tell her to answer him but lately I have just answered him. This makes her mad at me but he wants something. I am so lost about what I am to do. I have not let her visit at our place, and have stopped buying things she needs. Pack all her stuff here again. She now gets more help from welfare now than I do with both kids. How fair is that?

If my Mother-in-law does not stop enabling her 43 year old son, our marriage is not going to survive. He has a drug problem and Mommy bails him out of everything. Need a car? Here you go. Need shoes? Here you go. Need a water heater? Here you go. She does this under the guise of "helping" him and she "feels sorry" for him. He works part-time while I work 60 hours per week. The drug comes before our kids. I am more angry at her than him. She did not teach him to grow up. I am seen as the "bad guy" because I am not soft and sweet with him. Disgusting. He needs to grow up, take responsibility, and be a man.

I *am* an enabler, my husband is bi-polar. There is nothing wrong with him. Everyone else is stupid or crazy. I give him his medication (I say it is for me). I do things I know are irrational to keep him from being mad. Why can't I *stop*?

Hi, I just need to get this off of my chest. I am a mother of two children 21 and 18. The eldest used to have a problem with drugs but has been clean now for four years - very proud. I just kicked my 18 year old son out of our house this morning after giving him numerous times to get help for his drug abuse. He has been snorting Ritalin for the last 8 months and just found out that he got into my sleeping pills and has taken 15 of them in the last three days (they were hidden so he had to really do some searching in my bedroom to find them) This was the last straw. He was told what he needed to do and didn't get help, still doing drugs, etc.

Why do I feel so guilty? I did what I told him I was going to do if he didn't seek out help with his problem. FYI - I am a codependent - Mother was an alcoholic.

Thanks for listening - just needed to vent some.

I'm been married for 6 years and it has been something else. I am an enabler and I need help. I put my foot down today and said that the bank was close. If he don't have the sense God gave him to help himself then I can't help him no more. He gets a job but when the check come it goes right to the drug dealer. Now everything is past due and I'm tired. I've had 9 heart attacks in the last 2 years and I've had enough. He won't even buy toilet paper to wipe his butt but he expect me to buy it for him. No more I'm done. I just don't want to go into the next relationship doing the same thing. If any one have a solution I'm willing to listen. Thanks.

Thank you. I am scared--divorcing a man after 20 years. He's a recovering alcoholic, but I enabled and cannot go on doing the same thing. He has continuing addiction to on-line porn, will not give it up. I have to leave. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank you for all the comments--it helps.

i understood the concept of co-dependency a long time ago... but that didn't stop me being in an enabling relationship for the last 8 years. i have ended the relationship now, but as friends i still exhibit the same behaviour. i buy him alcohol... he drinks it... I used to drink it as well, but stopped my bad habits because i wanted to change... i can't change his ways, and now i have to end the friendship as well because he has to stop using and abusing people... i have to be strong enough to love myself and not get lonely in the process... which is why i stayed there so long... fear of being alone vs spending way too much money and forgetting about health by drinking too much... i now prefer to be alone, even if it is hard at times. hopefully i can recognise my habits and not be an enabler in future relationships.

I just realized I need to stand up for myself or he will never have to grow up. I also recently realized the definition of an enabler, which is what I now am. He spends his money, not usually on the bills for our household, but on what, I have no idea. But as usual, when he then needs money for important things, like gas to get to work, I am there, unwillingly giving him money so that he can get to work to make more money to help me pay bills that he never pays.

Today I know I have to stop enabling and I will.

I think that sometimes we are so busy looking at the other person that we forget or don't realize to look inside. The fear is what causes us to be enablers. Look at the fears you have the fears of what could happened if you just say no. They are just that fears, fears that drive you to be an enabler. Also one needs to go to the past and realize when you started being an enabler or when something happened that caused you to not be able to say no.

She will not leave him because she is busy making excuses for him.....like we all have...

She also has a low self-esteem and probably feels just the way he wants her to....that's how codependency works....Hello..

Dear anon27227,

why don't you leave him?

I have been married for 20 years. Although my husband says he loves me I do not feel loved. If I have a different idea or opinion or even express myself in a way that he does not like I am belittled or demeaned. "What would make you think like that" or "your weird" or "naive". He withholds sex so that now he is unable to function without pills. And now even though I used to have a healthy sexual appetite I could care less about it and especially having sex with him. He is arrogant and lacks humility. He "knows" everything. He has gotten worse over the years.

When we first got married there was some sensitivity and listening to me. Now he doesn't even pretend that there is value in my words or thoughts. He literally puts his hand up when I talk or over-talks me. I *am tired* of trying to express myself because either it is a confrontation or he bows his head and is quiet and acts all sorrowful, etc. But it does not mean that he believes/accepts anything that I have said because he absolutely does not change his behavior.

It seemed like he was getting better a few months ago, but his old behavior has returned with a vengeance. My daughter used to ask me, "Why did you marry him, Mom?" This is her biological father that she has always known. He does not share himself and i don't know that he is capable of doing so. There is no "real" conversation. Every conversation is the same because he turns everything into the same conversation no matter how it starts out. So, I really don't want to talk to him because there is nothing to talk about. I have heard it a thousand times before. Absolutely no freshness, no connection to context. Just the same thing over and over again. He cannot be anything, but right. It is impossible to have an "honest" conversation with him. Other than that he is a good provider and cares about our finances, etc. But I am growing increasingly unhappy with him, but I don't want to because we are now retired and I don't want to shake up my life. Most of the time I try not to talk or voice an opinion different than his to try and have peace in my home. He's angry in his tone about almost everything. It's so hard. What do I do?

I've just gotten out of a relationship where I was an enabler to my boyfriend. I allowed him to verbally and emotionally abuse me, as well as helped him to abuse alcohol.

Here's what I've learned. You *can't* stop being an enabler if you're afraid to make someone (the person you're enabling to continue their harmful/destructive behavior) angry. You have to be willing to face conflict and aggression. Basically, you have to stand up for yourself and your right to be treated as a human being. I've realized that with everything I do for my boyfriend, he has not gotten any healthier or happier. Quite the contrary. The more i give, the more he demands, the more unreasonable the demands become. I love him and I want him to heal, and the best thing I can do for him is to stop letting him take advantage of me.

Enabler I am, enabler I've been...when will I ever learn? Married for 23 years with a man who was a buzzaholic prior to his death...7 months later end up with a drug addict who binges every quarter or more...I am tired of caring to the extent that has caused the demise of someone who continued to be a buzzaholic. The relationship I have currently...with the drug addict is also dysfunctional; if I care enough...I need to stop! Live and learn or continue to Care and allow their demise...What a tough pill to swallow...

I myself have a problem, and my mother is my biggest enabler. She pays my bills and gives me money and then complains all the time about it.

I tell her to not do this and maybe I would get myself together that I want the structure and want someone to make me accountable but that is her sickness she needs to be needed. So even if I was to get help, would the cycle continue? I think maybe she does it because she is afraid I wouldn't need her, so in a sense am I enabling her?

It's hard to stop being an enabler because that "caring" attitude is part of your nature. The trouble is, the caring has been abused. An enabler has to stop every tiny thing, giving any kind of support, be it money, conversation, advice, bed and breakfast, whatever. Even harder is telling the person you have stopped being an enabler but it has to be done and it has to be stuck to. The person with the problems has to seek authentic help outside of his or her relationship with you...a therapist, a rehab facility, a hospital ... And the enabler has to improve his or her self image!!! I know. I've been there.

how can i stop being an Enabler?

I feel like i am an enabler because it's so hard for me to say no. And tell it the way it is to people. My son is the one that i can't say no to. I am saying help for help to say no without making problems.

My daughter is in jail for drug possession. She will get out in two months. She has received no rehab while incarcerated and will not get any help from the county when she gets out. I do not want to be an enabler, but I would like to see that she is provided the means to get a place to live and a job. I don't want to be those means. Is this considered enabling? Does anyone have any advice as to where we should look for help?

i feel like i'm an enabler because it's so hard for me to say no. although i'm not necessarily enabling dangerous behavior like drug or alcohol use, gambling, etc., it's annoying that i am a little taken advantage of. i need help saying no without causing trouble with my family! i think that they're so used to me being this way that i think they would be mad if i started refusing them. any advice?