I think the enneagram personality types can help you people to understand the psychological functioning of alexithymia people.

In my opinion an alexithymia individual is an unhealthy 5 or an unhealthy 9. If the individual is intelligent, sharp, logical and has a super brain, he is most certainly an enneagram type 5. On the other hand if he is emotionally numb, easy to be around and only emotion shown by him is anger, he is definitely an enneagram type 9. Moreover, if you find yourself to be emotionally reactive then you are either a type 4 or a type 8 though you can also be a type 6. Just research enneagram type __ (the number) and read the description.

The description is such that it starts with pointing out the positive qualities of the personality type that the person can exhibit when he/she is healthy. Do not get put off by the good qualities mentioned in the initial part of the description.

These are the qualities that the particular type can exhibit when he/she is psychologically healthy. Your spouse, on the other hand, is stuck at an unhealthy level. It is possible for them to get more healthy only if they are themselves willing to change. This change cannot be brought about from outside.

The enneagram is a guideline to follow, but to be followed by the person internally. Forcing the enneagram on them would make them develop a defense against it very fast.

The 9 different psychological health levels are given below the type description. Beneath that there are recommendations for personal growth and relationship compatibilities among different types.

There are enneagram tests also available on the internet. I have personally found the enneagram very very helpful in life. I am a type 4 and used to be lost in fantasies. Only now I am embracing life and realizing possibilities.

I hope the enneagram will be able to help you people as well.

Love and regards.

Pat: if you think you can live with your partner the way he is because he can't change,then you have to find a way to live your life by fulfilling your needs, loving yourself, friends, going out, reading, gardening, working, voluntary work for charities etc., because if you don't you will drive yourself insane, and end up resenting your husband who can't and won't ever change.

So, you have to change now to make life bearable, and peaceful and believe me it can be done. I'm living proof. Please remember life is to live,not to exist. If you really can't live with the situation anymore, then get out and start afresh. Good luck in whatever you do.

Geez this is my situation all over. My husband and I are a young married couple. Married early now in our thirties. We have three children. All in all we are a very happy family and we have a very happy marriage, until an emotional issue arises.

My husband is starting to learn to react to my emotional issues by cuddling and trying to reassure me, but it does not come naturally to him and he is doing it by learned behaviors of me telling him what I need from him.

I am a highly emotional person which does not help the situation at all and only serves to make it worse. I am now learning to control my emotions in order to not cause problems in our marriage. All in all it has been very difficult, there have been many times when we have nearly separated and my husband does not show his concern for whether our marriage works at all. I have fought to keep our marriage together and I will continue to fight until I can physically and emotionally fight no more because I love him.

I now try to support him as much as I can because sometimes he looks so desperately lost and confused and it breaks my heart to see him like this. Our marriage is not just about me and I know I have to be there to support him through this too, and that is what I will continue to do.

My husband has a delayed emotional reaction and eventually after days of silence does recognise how he feels, so this gives me hope and spurs me on. I've had ten years of marriage with my husband and some of those years have been utter darkness and despair for me, even leading to a suicide attempt but I have to understand his needs as much as my own, as much as I am over emotional, he is under emotional.

I love and accept him despite that and will continue to keep fighting for him. It hurts me and sometimes I feel so unloved and lonely, but he is a lovely, kind, caring and loving man at the best of times and I hope I never give up on him. Wishing all others in my situation the best to cope with it. Sarah V

Unbelievable. I have been married to Shirl for 23 years and it has been exactly as you all describe. Now the girls we share can't figure out their Mom could just up and leave without feelings after all these years.

I know. She baked and cleaned and had some fun but was just never really plugged in. I could go on and on but you all listed my life already. Shirl has a brother and an old sister the same way. Very sad. So women can have it too and that is hard on a romantic guy. Wasted time. Don.

Dear previous posts: I've just been researching AS and found this info about alexithymia. My husband sounds like these other men and I am like the other wives. My suggestion to all wives is *not* to stay with someone who hits you. On the positive side, you may find it helpful to find an outlet for your need to connect with people such as a job(if you don't work); volunteering; or attending a church where you can participate in the activities of the church. I have a large family that fills many of my needs; also a business that I've had many years; and a church family that has welcomed me and has encouraged me to participate. -womantowoman48

I know this story all too well- he will not change - he is not withholding- he cannot do what you are asking - it would be like asking someone to change their eye color - it can't happen. In my HB's case it is genetic. His father was this way. He has one son who is the same way. My HB is genius level- works a job that requires extreme intelligence and does it well. Operates purely on a logic based system. i think back to when we were dating and he said the right things to get me interested. The way it works is that he can say what he thinks you want to hear but he has no clue that there should be meaning behind his words. He thought it was a guy thing until he met my brothers- very European emotional types. He is a good provider- can fix anything - will answer any logic based or factual question that you ask him, but will walk away from emotional conversations. He can be silent for days or weeks- never asks for sex. Can sit in the same positions watching sports for hours but does not have a favorite team or player. Doesn't participate in holidays, birthdays, etc. Frustrating beyond belief. I am starting to not care about him at all. I will be leaving - no rush - there is no fighting if I ignore the situation which is where I am right now.

My husband and I have been together for a long time and we have a beautiful family. However we fight and the fight is always about one thing, I feel he doesn't love me. He says it all the time, but I just don't see any emotion behind it. He says he is satisfied in our relationship, I don't see that he is truly happy or whole. He avoids any situation that may cause emotion. I am depressed because I feel neglected and unsure of where I stand in his life. Like I said he will say he loves me, he will do whatever I tell him to do (aka dishes) and everyone says I have a great husband, but there is no intimacy and sex is just about the physical and not the emotional. I feel love has nothing to do with any facet of our relationship. He has after all these years learned what to do to not make me mad. He will buy flowers, jewelry, etc. But it's as if he's doing what he can to keep me quiet. When I bring up my unhappiness he stares blankly, he says he don't know how he feels. I've cried and cried and said I wanted a divorce because I couldn't take it, and he still will stare blankly with no emotion. He looks down on me and says I am way too sensitive. I know as a woman I probably will always be more sensitive, but it is hard to live with someone that you aren't sure of how they feel about you, or worse, if they feel anything for you at all. The only emotion I have seen is anger and when he gets fed up with me trying to pull emotion out of him he has left, eventually he comes back with an unemotional "sorry" and he has a real need for live to go back to the routine (an emotionless marriage). I wish there was something I could do because I love this man and I think we would both be happier if he could express his feelings, hell, even know what his feelings are because he doesn't know. He is willing to talk to me, but it is about daily life, like kids, work, etc. It has been hard on me and I feel like I am the one that is crazy, I am on antidepressants, and sometimes I just want to run away from it all. After awhile, I have actually wanted to be cold like him, but I don't have that ability, I love and I love hard and I can't help expressing it. What do I do?

I am almost hyperventilating at reading all the above. The descriptions of these relationships are a facsimile of my situation. There is no point in repeating my situation because the descriptions are numbingly real and accurate and consistent with my own. I have been going crazy for the last three years, trying to put my finger on understanding how my boyfriend can act so coldly, stoic, seemingly without feeling, socially distant, just oddly detached, and yet at the same time have this almost moral standard of care and love. If I show an extreme of any emotion, sad or excited, it throws him off. It's as if he doesn't know how to deal with it. Usually if I try and talk about my feelings, calmly and with care, he sort of seems to divert listening. And if he responds in anyway to my feelings, it comes much, much later. It's as if he doesn't forget, but he takes a long, long time to acknowledge. So many times I have just wanted to say - let me cry on your shoulder, or just comfort me when I feel sad, and it feels like there is a disconnect. Like he just is not able. Even though I can sense he has a concern - he just doesn't know what to do with it. And his behaviour goes beyond your stereotypical - men have a hard time expressing their feelings. And just like the other descriptions he is highly intelligent, super-functional, like he is super handy around the house, very methodical, and can be social although really only does well with one on one. I find though he often seems to 'read' situations the wrong way. He has perplexed me for some time, and there are days that I feel as if I am going crazy. Many people ask me but why do I put up with it? And I think, is there something wrong with me to be attached to someone who is so detached. But the truth is, despite his detachment, he is very loyal, deep down very loving - again probably his order of this need for moral obligation - and I guess I know this, even though it seems he can't show it. But I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Are there any support groups out there? Or research on ways to cope?

I can say I can relate to anon18566 whose husband is 61, not romantic and all the other stuff she said about her alexithymic husband. My husband has no emotions about anything, and can't figure out why I get so emotional as I do. He just ignores me for days until I settle down and start talking to him again. I am really sick of his behavior and really can't deal with it anymore. I have threatened to divorce him several times but can't afford it. I don't think I have the patience for him when I expect to get from him what any married woman wants from her husband: sex, understanding and a warm shoulder to cry on and someone to help me make decisions that a couple does together. I feel like I am so alone living with him I could die. I hate the feeling. I wish I knew who to talk to about it. He was diagnosed with alexithymia but nobody about our state seems to know anything about it. What should I do?

Wow i'm pretty sure i'm alexithymic and i wouldn't wish this on anyone. People say that they have loved ones who suffer from this but I couldn't fathom having a functional friendship much less a relationship. Alcohol allows me to express my feelings and enjoy the moment but without it i cannot carry on a conversation that doesnt strictly involve facts. So my attempts at maintaining relationships have failed and i keep my friends at bay because i dont even know how to be normal (express myself) around them. I wish someone could help. Talking to my psych doesnt seem to help really becayse if im unable to put my true feelings out there it seems pointless.

OMG Does that mean that my name Alexis means "no words?" or "without words"?

I was dating a guy who is alexithymic. He is over all a really great guy, very outgoing, social, people friendly. I have read so many web sites to help myself understand more about alexithymia. He just recently broke off our relationship and told me it was because he was protecting me from him. I just want to know if there is anything that I can do on my part to help him cope with what's going on, sometimes he seems so lost and confused, I just want to help. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on what can be done?

Is alexithymia is a trait or disorder?

We have been married 61 years. My husband is not a romantic, either verbally with appreciation, compliments, encouragement, or such, not given to hugs, pats on the back, or interested in sex. Has difficulty expressing emotions and I find it cruel and abusive to hold back this communication if deserved. I raised five children who are terrific basically alone, and thank goodness, none are like their father. He has one emotion, though. That is anger. Throws things, breaks things, hits me. I stayed in marriage because, even though I worked all our married lives, two salaries were needed to help our children through schools who are all professionals and successful. I wanted to leave many times but because of what I wanted in help for the children played the hypocrite for all that this was a good marriage, which it wasn't. I am now alone with him at this stage and terribly sad, lonely, and depressed. Thank you for the chance to discuss this.

The letter about the married couple- histrinic woman and alexythmic man is interesting, sad and predictable. Alexythymics are competent and confident. For a sensitive woman, hoping to become more thick skinned, he may have seemed like a "knight in shining armor." She probably seemed attractive, warm and loving. She probably hoped that his confidence would rub off on her and that he would take care of her because he seemed so capable. But, when he felt inadequate, scared, stressed, as all human beings in the world feel- no matter how competent, he did not tell her, or even himself these feelings. Instead, he remained cold, or even worse provoked her emotions in such a subtle way that she could only seem crazy if she accused him of doing so. So she became more emotional, feeling alone, and thus became histrionic. As he saw her despair, he developed more self control, realizing that emotions are bad and of no value- while consciously and making sincere efforts to avoid behavior that she specifically told him provokes her. But only that specific behavior that she mentioned, to the letter. So she became more sensitive, he more alexythmic. In truth, he needed a "knight in shining armor" more than she did. He needed a wife who would love him and accept him regardless of his confidence or competence, who would "read" him and reassure him even as he hid his feelings from her and from himself. And her confidence would be built up by being there for him, not the other way around. These types attract each other- and I hope someone's marriage and children benefit from this post.

I am trying to learn so much more about people who show no emotions. My sister just moved back home after living away for almost 13 yrs. She was married and I think the marriage became quite bitter and maybe even abusive. She is like a different person now. Just this evening she totaled my mother's car as she was on her way to work and showed no emotion as to what she had done. She called my mother to let her know and was more concerned about getting to work that what had just happened. The police says she was very lucky. She hit a tree. The worst part is that she didn't really know what happened. Maybe she got sleepy b/c she works 10 hrs from 7pm to 5am. The family is just trying to figure her out. She just passed two drug tests with the two jobs she now has. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I found this article helpful.

I suspect that my husband may also be alexithymic. The article posted by pat sounds very much like us. However, I wonder if this is yet another elusive psychological category where only some symptoms apply. My hubby does seem mystified about emotions. Yet he does occasionally display anger, even throwing articles across the room. So this seems to defy the categorization. He also seems to fit "schizoidal type".

I only wish I knew how to find a competent counselor who could accurately diagnose. But I doubt there are many, so I will probably continue to live my life emotionally and intellectually alone until my cancer mets finish me.

Great article!

There is a free discussion forum devoted to alexithymia called the "ALEXITHYMIA EXCHANGE".

There is some lively conversation going on there exploring this subject.

Dr. Alex

I found this on the net and thought they were talking about me and my husband. i haven't stop crying since.

"Some time ago, I met a married couple who have struggled to cope with the husband’s alexithymia for nearly 40 years.

He is completely unable to process or comprehend emotions, and is always focusing on external things. He is socially skilled, non-quirky and does not shows signs of Asperger's syndrome. In fact, he is the most prototypical example of an alexithymic I have ever met. He is always level-headed, operates on a purely functional level. He doesn’t complain about work, he is very handy round the house, willingly tackling big renovation jobs, and is never rude, selfish or abrasive. He's very practical and helpful. He and never gets depressed or self-obsessed. By contrast, his wife is highly emotional and often histrionic.

*She* is the one who is utterly depressed and requires constant, strong medication. But he is unable to relate to her on a feeling level or to soothe her raw emotions. She cites his constant placidity as the main source of her debilitating grief. A battery of psychologists and psychiatrists have been called in over the years, to no avail. A few years ago, they "finally" split up and moved to different areas, but a year later circumstances forced them back together. Despite all the drama and interventions, he hasn't changed a bit, although he does what he can to stop irritating her. She still can't deal with his emotional blankness. I've talked to both of them about it, and as far as I can see there is no prospect of him ever changing. So what advice to offer? Should they continue to work on it, or finally call it quits? It's a tough decision."