What is a Serial Monogamist?
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A serial monogamist is a person who has many sexual partners in his or her lifetime, but only ever one at a time. The serial monogamist will seemingly form what looks like a lasting commitment to one person, but the commitment is usually only superficial. Some serial monogamists are incapable of commitment for a long period of time.
The partnership in the relationship can either be through marriage or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Usually, the serial monogamist is aware of the pattern that he or she follows. Each relationship may be entered into with a how long will this one last? frame of mind.
The serial monogamist is usually fully aware of his or her inability to fully commit to another. This does not mean that serial monogamists do not try to commit, but it seems that commitment is not something they feel comfortable with. Compared to serial monogamy, true monogamy is a state in which one person stays with another for his or her entire life.
In the western world, true monogamy is becoming less and less common. In today’s society, more marriages than ever split up within three years. Serial monogamists can stay with partners for that length of time or even longer. It is a source of frustration to some serial monogamists that they have been labeled with this title. The serial monogamist’s relationships can last longer than some marriages.
Fear of commitment and perfectionism play a large part in the serial monogamist’s thinking. Childhood influences also a play a large part. Bad role models from parents give serial monogamists an inherent fear of commitment. They are unable to cope with the pressure of the family unit for long periods of time and eventually seek their independence once again. If the partnership begins to show problems similar to those witnessed in childhood, then it will no longer mirror the ideal the serial monogamist has in his or her head.
Many people think that they can be the one to change the serial monogamist's way of thinking. This is sometimes a futile effort. The pattern of serial monogamy is often so established that the serial monogamist can predict the month or year that the break up will occur. No one seeks to end a relationship willingly if there are no problems. For some serial monogamists, the fear of commitment is beyond their control.
Some people hold that serial monogamy is a psychological problem. They believe that the only way to deal with the serial monogamist’s state of mind is through psychological help. Other people think that the term serial monogamist is a cop-out. It can be used as a way for people to give weight to their incapability of sustaining a relationship. Whether it is a psychological problem or not, serial monogamy is usually not a state of mind most people are happy to live with forever.
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New: Discuss this ArticlePosted by: anon19620
I was amazed by the comments of Anon1219.Yes, maybe it's best for the serial monogamist to move on through life at a fast pace without having "Legal complications" but, have you ever thought about the people who get left behind in your path of destruction? Those people often experience rejection to a point that it contaminates your self image. I know, I have just come out of such a "relationship" where I am the victim of a serial monogamist.It hurts so much, I can't even begin to describe it to you.So, yes, there is one huge advantage in leading this life style, but only to the serial monogamist himself/herself. Nobody else enjoys the benefits associated to this kind of life style.
Posted by: anon17487
After reading this article, I do believe that I am a serial monogamist and I wonder if this is why I tend to pick guys who could also be considered serial polygamists. I tend to always be in relationships and despise "cheating", however after a break-up, I will say "I am going to be single for awhile and just enjoy it.", then within 2 weeks to 3 months I find myself in a relationship again. My longest relationship has only been 5 years and I average somewhere around 7 to 8 months. I have recently entered a new relationship, this one only 3 months after the divorce from a 5 year marriage. I do however want this one to "last forever", whatever that is and think that maybe I should seek psychological help so that it can. Wow, the revelation is absolutely startling, but it helps me visualize the problem and hopefully now I can find a solution.
Posted by: chadster1234
I was just dumped by what I consider a serial monogamist after almost 4 years. My boyfriend was the best in so many ways with the exception of the inability to communicate deeply and show what I would consider true emotion, in every other way he was the best guy ever, which is what makes the breakup even more difficult. His primary father is now on number five, while his second dad was emotionally and verbally abusive so I'm told by his mother. What kind of effect does this have on an individual who initially told me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me??
Posted by: wdbecca
I am a serial monogamist. I am not the least bit ashamed of it either. I did, however, figure it out a bit late; I'd had 2 failed marriages and had just backed out of a third. Now that I know I was only getting married because society told me I should, I quit getting married - makes life easier. Plus, if you tell the other person right up front that you are fine with long term but no "forever please" you tend to have very satisfying relationships that end amicably for both.
Posted by: twagner
I am a serial monogamist & I am not the slightest bit happy about that fact & I guarantee that it's not a cop-out. I have always gone into things with the feelings of "this could be the one" & as said in the article....it never is. Then I am left with the crying, the indecisiveness of "what if I am giving up too soon" and then it gets dragged out into the war of polarities for 10 years. I constantly ask "why can't he be the one....why do I need to go through this nightmare again?" My condition has become absolutely explosive since my divorce 4 years ago in which I have only had one relationship since then ending in 7 months. WHY? Because no matter how I try it never works for an independent, self-reliant, strong & sober woman. Why am I incapable of having a good, happy & healthy relationship with the opposite sex? Why is it always an issue? I would love nothing more than to nest & have a loving husband....do I see that ever happening though? No...never..not for me. I have come to the terms that I am not one of the fortunates that will ever have the soul mate & life-long commitment. I accept it as best as I can, I hold my head as high as I can & I just continue on.
Posted by: anon1572
Many people fall into this general description without ever intending to be a serial monogomist. Many people enter a relationship intending it to be "the one"... but then find (for whatever reason) that the relationship won't last. And so, they move on, or are left, with the idea that the next one might become the right one.
To some extent, this is the process of dating many people when you are young and single, in the hopes of finding someone who is a "good fit". In truth there are a number of individuals with whom one could settle down with... except in our modern culture, divorce, and hooking up, are considered more acceptable.
Therefore, serial monogamony becomes more prevelent. Posted by: anon1219
It is my goal to be a serial monogamist. Why would I want to be committed to one person my whole life? Once the relationships gets boring I should be able to move on without any legal implications and so on. I don't see how serial monogamy can be seen as a problem. People should be encouraged to live this way since it is more realistic to live this way than to commit to one person your whole life.
The people who need psychological help are the ones who decide to stay in a relationship fraught with difficulties "for the kids" or because they can't admit that the relationship has run its course. Since we all have a limited number of years here I fail to see the sanity in staying with a partner you no longer love just because society says you have a psychological problem if you don't.
My parents have been married for over 35 years and I am pretty sure around 20 of them were spent unhappy. Now they are so old they have no choice but to remain together until one of them can escape through the death of the other. No thanks. You can keep your lifelong commitment BS to yourselves.
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