Narcissism is a set of behaviors in which a person is excessively self-absorbed, selfish, egotistic, or vain. A narcissistic spouse is a person who exhibits these characteristics in a marriage, and either a man or a woman in such a relationship can exhibit narcissistic behavior. The signs of a narcissistic spouse can vary significantly and are not always overtly obvious. A person who lacks empathy, for example, may have a problem with narcissism, though this lack of empathy may not be displayed overtly and may therefore be difficult to recognize.
Another characteristic of a narcissistic spouse is the inability to lend validity to the emotions, thoughts, or ideas of others. The narcissist must always be right, and the narcissistic spouse must always get his or her way. If things do not go according to that person's plans — which are very often unrealistic — he or she will blame others and rarely, if ever, accept blame for the way events turn out. Narcissists tend to be exceptionally sensitive to criticism, so much to the point that they may become paranoid and attack others for criticism that was not actually leveled. The sense that everyone is out to "get" the narcissistic spouse is a common one.
Narcissists do not generally value depth, love, and commitment in a relationship, so it may be impossible to actually foster a loving and caring relationship with a narcissistic spouse. That person is also very unlikely to admit that there is a problem, or if he or she does acknowledge a problem, the blame will rest on the other partner. Such distance may be the result of severe insecurities on the part of the narcissistic spouse, though that person may have little or no recognition of the fact that such an insecurity even exists. The narcissist is even less likely to seek help; ideas about how to address a problem will usually get dismissed out of hand as outlandish and in no way helpful.
Attention is of high value to narcissists, and they will seek it out often, very likely at the expense of others. Creating a problem in order to come up with a solution, dominating conversations, demeaning his or her spouse to make himself or herself look better, and otherwise taking part in behaviors that draw attention to the narcissist are common characteristics. While the narcissist will not often be able to take criticism well, he or she will usually have no problem criticizing others, often harshly.
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anon241793
Post 8 |
I need some help. I am questioning my life - the last 24 years - I have been with a man who fits the description in many ways of being a narcissist. He is strong and very good at talking to everyone. He can tell stories for hours, making people laugh and think he is the life of the party. When our children were small up until - and including now -- he presents himself as the one person with the answers and only he can help them. When they were young, and did anything that they might require a form of punishment, he always used me as the reason they received the punishment. I would overhear him saying to them, "your mom is making me talk to you about this, or you are in trouble because your mom doesn't like this thing you did." things like that. So now, our children have a mindset that I am hard to please. My daughter overheard both of us discussing some issues she has, and she told me off - she was completely angry at me mostly. I mentioned the fact her dad had said certain things and she said to me, "I am mad as Hell at him, but I can get along with him." I was floored. She has told me, when we were alone, she has no empathy. She said that Dad doesn't either and she went on to say he had raised her that way. I just sat there - I did not know what to say. It is true, she also seems to be an extreme narcissist. I am now caught - I feel like a fly trapped in a web. I have no income and no way to move out. I have been so consumed with always making things right at home, with our kids, and his certain health issues for so long, I now realize I have no other life. I do not know what to do. |
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bluespirit
Post 7 |
I hate to admit it, but I have some narcissistic tendencies. Just that statement seems so narcissistic in the fact that I hate to admit it! I want to be right a lot, although I can admit it occasionally when I am wrong. I also like attention. I do not take criticism well, although people have said I have gotten better about taking it over the years. Maybe these are a few reasons I do not see marriage in my near future! I do hope to change these narcissistic characteristics as soon as possible for everyone's sake! |
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Sinbad
Post 6 |
@Janeair - I agree with you, it seems weird that narcissists get the opportunity to be spouses. I know that they can be charming at first, but their charm normally seems to fade in a few months or years. So unless someone marries someone quickly, they hopefully would notice the person's true self before they got married. I try to avoid narcissist's as much as possible, as they only seem to hurt me, and what is worst, most of them do not notice or care that they are hurting me. I have dated a few narcissist's, but luckily their true colors came out soon after, so I don't have too much emotional scarring from them. |
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julies
Post 5 |
I think one of the key signs of someone being a narcissist is that they are never wrong. No matter what the situation, they are always right. They have a way of twisting situations around so it looks like everyone else is to blame.
They also don't take criticism well from anybody. I dated a man who was a narcissist for much longer than I should have. It took awhile for me to catch on and I realized I didn't want to continue to be that miserable for the rest of my life.
Because it was my idea to break up, that didn't go over very well with him. It didn't get to the point where he was stalking me, but I did have to set very clear boundaries and stay firm.
I was actually relieved when he began dating someone else because that is when he left me alone. I just felt kind of bad for the person he was dating, but figured it wouldn't take very long for his true colors to show again. |
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myharley
Post 4 |
I am sad to say that one of my good friends was married to a narcissistic man. Even her psychologist told her that he was a narcissist.
She is no longer married to him, but went through years of emotional abuse. He is one of the most arrogant men I have ever met, but he is very cool about it.
He is all about making a good first impression, so many people were surprised to find out what he is really like. He no longer even has a relationship with his grown children because he has treated them badly as well.
I am glad my friend has been able to get some good counsel and begin building her life back. She was so down on herself because that is all she lived with for so many years.
I think the only person a narcissist can get along with in a long term relationship is them self. |
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tolleranza
Post 3 |
I just thought at that time that it meant extremely cocky, and I didn't think much of it, other than hoping that all men truly were not like that.
Luckily, I now know after being with my husband for four years that all men are not cocky, that they can be quite humble while still confident.
However, after reading this article I now wonder if this man that I saw when I was a graduate school clinician was truly narcissistic. His wife just seemed worn out every time I saw her, even as his condition greatly improved, and I can imagine if you were married to someone for twenty something years that was narcissistic you would be completely emotionally worn down.
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Monika
Post 2 |
@JaneAir - I think you answered your own question! You mentioned the narcissist you dated was rather charming. Well, I've read that most narcissists are rather charming.
That's how they suck you in! They start out being exceedingly personable, because they want to be liked so badly. As the article said, most of them are very insecure, so they need attention and admiration from others. Eventually once they show their true nature, you're already hooked! |
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JaneAir
Post 1 |
It sounds like it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to carry on a relationship with a narcissist. It kind of makes me wonder how these people end up being spouses in the first place! I can't imagine marrying someone who couldn't empathize with me and always had to be right!
Come to think of it, I actually had a few dates with a guy like this back when I was single. Two dates was enough to realize that it wasn't going to work. The guy was charming, as most narcissists are, but I could tell there was something kind of "off" about him.
When he said something rude to me on our second date and couldn't understand why I was upset, I realized he had no empathy. He really just didn't get it! It was a total deal breaker for me. |
