i have two children with the father of my children who lives with me (as my name is on the house). I love him, but not at all in love anymore he is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends or to the gym and says that if i wanted to live the single life i should not have had kids.

I have had an issue with alcohol in the past, but that was a point in which i was really depressed and lasted a few weeks on and off. I went to get some help at a hospital partially for that but mostly depression.

He states that i just want to go out to drink and that is all that i think about, and that I don't take care of my children properly.

When we go out together, he has no problem with me having a couple of drinks as that is all that it is. But he is making me feel as if i am going crazy and have to defend myself all of the time. I am going to see someone soon. I also wanted to go back to school, and apparently that is unheard of when you have children as well.

I seem to have an attraction towards controlling men. I have just ended a two year relationship due to my boyfriend being extremely controlling. I lost all of my friends except for a few because he hated me going out and having fun. He always made horrible comments about my friends and family and would break up with me numerous times if I went out. He told me many times things I needed to improve and belittled me in public and in private. If I didn't text him back within 10 minutes he would flip out and think I was sleeping with someone. If I didn't call back within 20 minutes it was the end of the world for him. I became very resentful and mean towards him and he took every ounce of energy I had. He was a very successful rich attorney and I always thought maybe it was me and because I am not rich or successful yet I am in the wrong. These men never change especially if they are older. There are two types of men in the world: those that belittle women and those that cherish women. Sadly the first set of men seems to be the most common. Men are scared especially in these times of how much power women really do have over their emotions and so they belittle and control to feel secure. Don't waste your life. You can get out of an unhappy controlling relationship. It's hard at first but once you're out it's as if all your energy zaps back and you can begin your life the way you want to live it.

Ladies, I am a 43 year old woman and for the last three years have been with a man who has been controlling, physically, emotionally and financially abusive. I broke up with him in February and moved on both emotionally and physically. I would like to share my experience with you. Control creeps up on you like a cancer, I found myself wondering how I got there, how had my life gone from peaceful to calling the police and experiencing physical abuse. I am no wall flower and I am an independent strong single Mum. I was trusting and unsuspecting and had never experienced this before. It was alien to me, but not to him, he has had a lifetime of this behaviour and can see no wrong with it. They are very good at it because they have always done it. As woman, we trust, we nurture, we look to help and reason behaviour and we love, mostly unconditionally. We stick with it and try to help. My advice is this: point out the problem if you can. Usually you will be shouted down and blamed. Make sure you are in a safe environment when you do this. If they are not willing to change, get out and stay out. You deserve to live your life. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman, otherwise you would not be searching the net for help. There are many men out there that will respect you for who and what you are. And guess what? Being alone is ok too. You are a good person, thats why he is hanging onto you. Stay strong and to all the woman out there suffering at the hands of an abusive man, get help, stay safe and get out. You can do it and you deserve to be loved.

Anon46730, you know you need to change and you are willing to change. That's well over half the battle. Get the help you need and work on being the best person you can be, now. That's more attractive than just about anything else. Good luck.

I never thought of myself as a controlling husband, until my wife left me - the main reason being she was no longer happy (I now know that this was because my controlling behaviour sucked the life out of her). I'm not a professional on the subject but I believe it's unfair for everyone to say that people with a controlling attitude can never change. After reading these comments I feel like I'm doomed to stay single for the rest of my life (and i'm only 26)! There's no excuse for one person to take freedom out of another's life, but I'd like to stay positive that with the right kind of help, I can turn my life around; and if I'm lucky enough to be in another relationship, do it right this time. At least I now know that I have a problem and I'm willing to address it. How do you all know that I will never be able to? I'm sorry to hear all the terrible things you have put up with. Unfortunately nobody has indicated that they tried to point their controlling partner to some form of professional help and it never helped. I cry myself to sleep most days because I lost the love of my life. I actually think I'd deal with this better if I had her support. But of course that's not going to happen now! All I know is that I was unaware of my own behaviour until one day I stumbled on an article about it. I was horrified! And it's possible I'm not the only one! Like everybody else with some personality 'disorder', we need help. I just wish I didn't have to go through this before I could open my eyes reality! Thank you all for your comments.

I am dealing with a man who is dominant, but at the same time, I check him on it. I have a few girlfriends who have men like that. Granted, he is not to the extreme, but there's always possiblities, and I like to address that immediately. Thank God for my past relationships. I am so much more experienced, and thank God for the "word". I know how a relationship should be. No gender should be more superior than the other! Forget what society has brain washed people to think. It is not real.

Today for example, there was an act of selfishness with my man today, well, he called me back a half hour later. He must have thought about what had occurred and my response to it and to sum it up, he apologized and tried to work out a solution to where we would both be happy. Now that is the way things should operate. Sometimes, he tries to tell me what he doesn't like, as far as what I wear, but you know what? Bee wears what she wants to wear! End of story.

All you women dealing with this, *don't*! Let him know! Maybe the man needs a reality check! Maybe he has dealt with woman who have let him get away with this long enough -- who knows? What I do know is you need to check it now! And if checking doesn't work, you need to check out! :-)

Peace and blessings to everyone, Bee

the controller will ruin so many events in your life. Good ones like weddings and bad ones like funerals.

anon40415: Get out *now!* Please, for your own safety. These are the classic signs of an abuser. They belittle you, show inappropriate jealousy, control your time away from them, isolate you from your family and your friends. I have no doubt this is what your sister is seeing in this man. Her instincts are exactly right. Tell this man you will no longer be in a relationship with him. I warn you: you may have to change your Internet ISP, your cell phone number, your e-mail, and even your Facebook alias.

Please, please, please. For your own safety, end this relationship while you are still alive and able to do so. Want more proof? Watch the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" with Julia Roberts and see if any of what you see seems familiar.

I am in a relationship with someone since 8 months ago and it is very serious and he is a businessman doing everything and leaving his country to come live with me because he loves me. Now the problem is I feel he is controlling me slowly and indirectly.

For example he prefers me to stay home as much as possible to spend time with him, telling me that he used to travel a lot before he met me and used to go out a lot but now that he met me he always comes for me to work and finish all the important stuff so he can come to me but he wants me to stay home because he is doing all this for me and then he says after I come to you you can go back to your normal life. he even said don't get in the gym now. wait till I come and you subscribe to a gym. He doesn't like me go to the beach and wear swimming suit for tanning because he says no need for man to stare at your body and when I come I will take you to quality private places were you can enjoy the beach. he made me clothe my facebook because he thinks that when I work with him we will be doing very important jobs and they will be searching for my name and it is not good to have my pics on the net because they might use it against me. I used to have a girl friend who didn't like me being with her. he is always questioning about my past about all details, even smallest things he wants to know all details he keeps analysing things. when we chat my cam is always on even if I want to sleep my cam should be on. he doesn't like my sister because he thinks she is trying to make me stay away from him and he says how does she judge him without knowing him and my sister didn't even say anything about him. once his pc got broken and he was fixing it all day while I was shopping with my friend, his pc got fixed at 10 pm I talked with him till 12 am then I was feeling headache and feeling sick. he got angry how I slept early while all day he was fixing his pc for me and that how can I be sick while I was out but actually I felt not bad at the evening and I couldn't stay awake or even open my eyes anymore I was feeling bad and instead of being nice he was rude and cold till the next day. I told him how I feel sometimes that each time I have to do a thing I have to worry how he will think but he gets angry and always tries in any way to win and make me feel that am not the right one and that he is stupid he is doing all this because he loves me. if I say I wanna go out somewhere he says I am sure you won't go out because you only do it because I am not with you and you need me which means if I go out I don't need him, he always plays on the guilt side of me and that all he is doing and working for is for my happiness.

I don't know what to do. i am drowned in this relationship. I love him so much but I can't breathe with this. please advise me and help me!

I am 22 years old and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. I've been with her father for over 4 years. He is 5 years older than me and I was 18 at the time we had gotten together, *young adn stupid* -- he was my friend before we dated for awhile and I *never* saw anything coming. We were together about 7 months when I ended up pregnant because he said he couldn't help pay for my birth control and my stupid self figured I wouldn't get pregnant (although she is a blessing). At that time he told me I had to stop talking to all my guy friends and even most of my girlfriends I went through high school with. As time went on everything was good with us except occasional fights over money because we had none and over the fact he worked midnight shifts and I was forced to be the sole provider emotionally to our litle girl. It got to the point where he had to know where I was and who I was with, even though I had no friends and only went out with him. I would be accused of flirting with others when I'm really just outgoing and he's very quiet and more of a loner. He started telling me I couldn't wear clothes that I wanted to because my breast would be showing (hardly) and told me not to wear makeup but made it reverse to wear he meant it was only because I was naturally beautiful. We started having so many arguments where it affected me emotionally and I was tired of crying. He tried to get me to quit my job recently because I had met a guy who actually tells me sweet things and is a real good friend. *Oh he hated that!*. Needless to say, there are many issues of control. He even got mad at me for not getting my raise I was supposed to get on my check and he says the most horrible things like "I should put your head through this windshield" and turn it around and be all like "I'm sorry baby" and he's gone now due to truck driving and when he's gone he calls and is the sweetest man ever. I left him for a month but he *controlled* his way back in and now I feel I might not have the courage to send him away again. He got me to sign loans for his schooling and to get his licence. Now I'm strapped financially to his debts for a couple years. I don't want my daughter to see this in life. But no one really understands. He's the sweetest guy to everyone and a great father but me and him in a relationship forget about it. *I don't know what to do.* Hopefully someone in this situation can help me. I know there's lots of people out there like me.

It is so sad and so true. I married the man of my dreams and thought over time he would loosen up as he learned trust. I stayed with him for financial security. I divorced him because I felt that he was bleeding the life from me and damnimg my daughters to the same wasted life. The 9 year old is now 19 and well adjusted after suffering with anorexia. The 13 year old is now 23 and engaged to a controlling man and cant see it. Anything I say drives her into his arms. It is horrible to watch. How much of her life will be lost before she gets it? Will she swallow her pride and leave this man ever or damn her children to more emotional abuse. I try to get her to think about what makes her happy and to trust her voices. To recognize that he does not value what she wants but tolerates it. I hate watching this and am powerless.

To those who are on this board:

I am a recovering controller. I am separated from my wife. I have three wonderful little girls. I never thought of myself as a controlling person before my wife and I separated. She pointed out that I was being like my dad. This is something that hit like a brick since he is an alcoholic and my mother is a co-dependent.

I got to thinking about all the times I talked to her when we had these fights. And all the times an important decision had to be made. In the end, I really was getting my way and I was directing this play called marriage. I'm reading "Compelled to Control" by J. Keith Miller. It's a real thought-provoking book. I think he's on to something and I recommend it to anyone.

I'm on the path to recovery. It is a long and arduous process. I've been catching myself in old habits before I act or speak. I'm determined to turn my life around since I owe it to our girls. There is no greater influence on their impression of what a husband should be than their dad.

To those who are in a controlling relationship. Remember, you can't change someone else to be who you want them to be. Everyone has to change themselves. It's too bad I didn't realize that earlier. I may have saved 6 years of a marriage that basically stripped my wife of who she was and stifled her spirit and dreams. There is no greater regret I will have. However this ends up.

its nearly two years and i feel like i'm going mad. i have done everything in my power to make us work. i even got preg and all i got was grief and it was planned. i stopped going out. didn't bother much with my friends. i feel so drained.

I have been with a controlling man for about a year and a half now, thought he was a "nice" guy, and that his "issues" were from childhood and could be worked with or overlooked. Over time I have seen the other side of this man, the one who tells me about all the flaws my body has, how I let my adult kids "take advantage" of me, among many other dominant things he has incorporated into our lives.

I have just broken up with him after finding out that he has done the same things to many other women, and that the control doesn't stop when the relationship is ended. He is a poster of pictures taken during the relationship to embarrass and humiliate the woman who left him. But even knowing that I need to leave him, as the more I read about controlling behavior, the more I see what a dangerous situation I am in with him, now, and for the time he will spend tormenting me from here on out. I just hope to have the strength to do the things I need to do to make my life the way I really want it...time will tell, but I am starting therapy next week, and hope it keeps me from being sucked back in...he is already using his controlling ways to try to do that..wish me luck...=]

Hi,

Ive been w my boyfriend for 8 months. He wants to spend all his time with me and calls me at work everyday. I asked him to stop doing so and he feels hurt. He thinks I wear too little and asks me to be more of a woman and cover up. He also wants to know who all my friends are and does not want me to talk about my relationship with anyone. He has at times checked my email and cell phone but has stopped that now that Ive told him its not acceptable.

When he gets really mad he smashes things and screams loudly. He is not afraid to show his temper in public. As we r seeing a psychologist. I wonder, is it possible for him to change? He really wants to change and has shown improvement the last month. We don't live together yet. Not sure if to move in w him as I'm afraid it will escalate.

Dear 17 year old Crystal, please, please, please get away from this man who tells you what clothes to wear and that you can not wear makeup. *All* that is *your business* and not his...if it's like this now, imagine how much worse it could get. *You* are losing *Crystal.* You are losing yourself to this man - he is making you be what *he wants*, not the beautiful *you* that you are. Look in the phone book under domestic violence (it doesn't matter if you live together or not) there is a national hotline number and trained workers who will help you find your way back to yourself. Please, you can save yourself so much more pain, if you get out now. Oh Crystal, how I wish I had listened when I was 17. Please.

Hi, i am in to my seventh week of being a free women, i was in a relationship for 15 years i have 3 children my relationship was very controlling also mentally abusive and physical and sexual, it took a lot of courage to make that break now i realize i am the strong one and he is so weak these abusers prey on your strengths to make them feel strong, you can do it you can leave them do not use your children as a excuse to stay in your relationship you are doing more damage by staying.

Yari, I was young when i first got into a controlling relationship where drink was also a big factor. i married this man and also had a baby. what people dont realise is that although you go through some really dramatic rough times their is also the good times. but its when the bad out does the good and you start to loose yourself you really need to think about your situation. i lost myself in my last relationship and escaping was the best thing i done finding out who i was again and having a happy relationship with my little one again but i got a whole country away from him so didnt have to worry about meeting him again in a hurry. If things cant be worked out and you go separate ways be careful not to get sucked into another bad relationship.

hi i just found this page searching for more information on control. I feel better knowing that i am not the only one with a mad relationship.

I have two children who are my pride and joy and who i would do anything for. i left a man, abusive and dependent on drink with my first child it was the hardest most emotional experience i have ever had and i promised myself it wouldnt happen again...

needless to say it did. i met a man who seemed the bees and ees he hardly drank we went out together and he seemed to value and take pride in being with me i felt great. i fell pregnant very quick into the relationship something that i new wasnt ideal but something i had to deal with. We talked and he told me he would stick by me no matter my decision not that one for me needed to be made i couldnt have an abortion. Soon after he started drinking a lot he lost his job and and spent night and day in the pub even on my due date something i later found from his mum to be a regular thing. i left him and he missed his sons first christmas this stunned him and now he is considered a reformed alcoholic he hasnt touched a drop but now i am controlled to the mileage on my car the sweets out the cupboard i cant go to my neighbours even or for a walk my family are the worst in the world to him because they are always their for me he wants me to have no one and nothing im stuck. he even started to use my daughter who now thinks he is her dad as a weapon im scared this escalates but im scared if i leave she will wonder why daddy only loves her brother now. im scared it would be harder to live with him hounding us than to put up with this at home because he is ok most of the time if things go his way. i just want whats best for my kids i think that i would rather see the rest of my days like this if it protects my baby girls heart.

please i just need a stranger to tell me what i already know im stuck need some wise advice ive ran before.

A controlling man is sneaky. At first their controlling efforts are minimal and then when you give in to what seems like trivial demands, they step it up slowly until you are in way over your head. I recently married a man I had been dating for 9 years. We have a 4 year old daughter and his controlling abusive nature escalated right after the birth of our daughter. My husband then became even worse 5 months after we married. I am not allowed to see my son, my family, he checks the refrigerator when he comes home to see what I ate over the weekend. I am not allowed to have pizza with my son. I am not allowed to buy gifts for my dad. If I go somewhere, he comments on the gas I am using, he wants me to pay him more money than I have towards "his" bills. He wants me to turn my condo over to the bank. He tells me to quit my gym. He got mad last year when I spent money on a hotel when my mother was dying of cancer. He said the money could have gone to our wedding and thank god for his family. He is verbally abusive. He has called everyone in my family names. Just yesterday, after a horrible 2 years, My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1996 and died in 1997. My brother was killed exactly 3 months to the day my mom died in a motorcycle accident and I have been tying to help my 76 year old father cope and deal with his health issues. My therapist suggested I get away for a few days. I made reservations for the beach for just me for 3 nights to regroup. My husband was aware of when I was leaving 2 weeks ago with a reminder last week. I made the reservations on the days he is off work. All of a sudden, he doesn't come home on Monday when he usually does. (He works in Atlanta Friday - Monday) I had to finally call him late Monday and he said he would be home maybe Wednesday. He was working overtime and that I would have to adjust. He didn't even give me a 24 hour notice so I wouldn't be charged to cancel my reservation. My reservation was for Tuesday -Thursday) Now I am forced to go on my getaway with my 4 year old daughter. Talk about sabotage and control. Needless to say, I am getting a divorce and joining an abuse support group. He is not doing this to me anymore. And I didn't even tell you the worst things he has said and did to me. Of course, according to him, it's all my fault. I hope this helps someone. Get out of a controlling abusive relationship no matter what!

hi to all that read this. i guess i am writing on here as i don't know what else to do. Maybe to just find someone/some people to talk to who knows what controlling people are like and someone who might understand and not think i am just 'emotional'. In my case it is an x, 4 years ago. Damaged my child, and me emotionally with his controlling ways. All. Emotional abuse, terrible verbal abuse, financial, and physical abuse. long story. Anyhow, although he has admitted the violence he seems to still have gained control over my child, some of the time, now, using courts. He's taken it back 4 times, and i am worn out completely. There is nothing i can do, i have no energy left after 4 years of trying to escape. i feel so trapped by all these 'orders' he is making sure he has, and threatens me with all types of terribly manipulating stuff. He charms all the women outside the school and they all think he's wonderful! i think. I just want my freedom from nasty messages, cruel threats, manipulative behaviour. I am a really peaceful person. I just want peace, warmth, love, kindness. i don't want to constantly be terrified about what is happening to my children. i love them so much. i always wanted to be the 'at home mum'. It's the one thing i am really good at. Can't he leave my friends alone? Do i need to leave everything and everybody i know and love to move somewhere new? take care all of you

hi, my name is katalina, i am 20 yrs old. i've been in a relationship for 7yrs now and am also engaged. i am a converted muslim and my partner is a born muslim. i can relate to this article of controlling partners as i, myself, am in the middle of a relationship which is totally devoted to control! at first i thought it was the way of muslim men are controlling of their wife/partner, as muslim women are treated very differently to the men. well as i was saying....my parnter first started controlling me by saying where and where not i could go..i had it imprinted in my mind that this was the way of muslim men...then came who i could and couldnt be friends with....and many other controlling signs followed...but now i know for sure that i am fairly a victim of this irritable way...it seems i never win an argument with my partner as i am always the one in the "wrong even though i am 100% sure i am right! anyway i am babbling on and getting carried away..surely you dont want to hear all about me but i have outlined some ways in which i feel controlled....and now i am at a loss as to what to do..i love my partner more than anything in this world and know i that i accept these controlling ways because of that love...but what about what i want?

what i need? what i crave? what about me?

surely there should be equal rights?

in my relationship the men are the "men" and the women are the "women" us women stay at home and wash..clean...cook...while the men gallivant around doing as they please and if we a such as ask to go somwhere they think we ask freedom on a plate! anyway if you would like to leave a comment on what i have wrote i would be very happy to read it...

xxxbye people

To the one with the baby, you may need to get a lawyer involved as people like him have been known to threaten to take the kids away or abuse them to get back at you.

For those of you in controlling relationships, all I can say is get out while you can. They don't respect your boundaries or anything you have to say. It doesn't get better, it gets worse, and they never change. Even if they do, it's outside of relationships, away from you. It'll be hard, because they use all sorts of "hovering" tactics to try to get you back. Or, they stalk you, but your own health, well being and happiness are much more important than being in a relationship.

My Fiance and I have a baby together, he sometimes is over controlling of me, and want to be right about everything. He tells me sometimes what i should do, what not to wear, and i have to agree with everything he says, He doesn't even want me going over my parents house, i try communicating with him, but he says if i don't agree with him then we will not be together, i don't know what to do about this, please give me some advice!

crystal, i am not a professional, and when serious concerns are raised it is best to consult a professional. but in my own personal opinion, you are at a fork in the road. you can go down one road with your boyfriend, which will mean that the controlling behavior will escalate, and will most likely progress to physical abuse. many women suffer at the hands of controlling partners, and many of them are murdered in cold blood. you may even break up with the boyfriend, but if you learn to accept this treatment as what you deserve in life, you'll most likely choose another man with similar personality traits. remember that controlling "men" often choose young girls who are easy to control.

the other road is one where you decide not to take this abusive treatment, and value yourself enough to choose a man who has enough respect, for you and himself, to allow you to be happy and independent. at 17 you should be enjoying your friendships, deciding what you "want to be when you grow up," and determining what you want in a man. i'm sure what you feel is very real, but unfortunately, it is also very toxic and dangerous. if you feel like you can't end it on your own, enlist the help of your parents or another trusted adult. you may also want to talk to someone who helps abused women to get advice. stay strong, and remember that you deserve all the happiness, security and support a healthy relationship has to offer.

Hello my name is Crystal I am 17 and a student in high school. A year and a half ago i met the man of my dreams. our relationship was perfect until about 7 months through everything (after i fell in love with him) when he began to be seriously controlling. I cant wear cute clothes or make-up any more. I dont have any friends and at times feel i deserve this abuse when I know i dont. Is it too late? Will he ever change? please give me some advice. Thanks!

My boyfriend is controlling with the really small things (we have been together 7mths) he calls regularly to check up on me and other times he rings to ask what i'm having for lunch and always has a better suggestion of where i should buy my lunch or what to eat - it happens all the time and it is really beginning to get on my nerves! and is creating hostility between us this is just an example of some of the things he does i feel like the only way to avoid arguments between us is for me to just agree with him all the time but, I am my own person and do not like being regularly dictated to how do i compromise without doing everything he says and wants