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A veritable army of marriage counselors, therapists, divorce attorneys, private detectives, and self-help gurus will happily tell you that distrust between spouses is a consistent growth industry. One could assume that most people trust their spouses-to-be prior to marriage, but after the vows are said and the cake consumed, fissures and cracks often begin to appear. Distrust of your spouse might be based on fact and evidence, or it might be the result of conjecture and perception. The only way you can learn to trust your spouse, or learn if such is even possible, is via communication.
Trust is hard enough to earn in the first place, being a quality that must arise out of actions rather than words. Regaining lost trust is extremely difficult. The first thing you must do – no matter if you are male or female – is sit down and analyze the source of your distrust. Is it resentment in disguise, or perhaps a dissatisfaction with the relationship in general? Does your distrust stem from a lack of self-esteem, or do you know for a fact that your beloved has somehow betrayed you?
If the answer is the latter, then hard choices must be made. If you wish to correct the problem, and try and regain something akin to the positive certitude you once felt, you must expose the problem to the light. Most cases of actual distrust, at least those based on betrayal, stem from lies, money, or infidelity. The road back will be difficult, and there is no guarantee that you will reach your destination. A problem identified, however, is much more simple to deal with than a problem that remains hidden in shadow.
In most cases, it is best to attempt to learn to trust your spouse via the assistance of a counselor or mediator. Without such assistance, tempers may fly and the problem may only worsen. The person who has violated a trust must admit their action, be willing to sincerely apologize, and explain why they engaged in such behavior. One person cannot rebuild a relationship, and the offended party must be willing to forgive. Forgiveness of a betrayal may be one of the most difficult tasks a human ever has to face, but it can also be one of the most liberating.
If an apology and honest explanation has been offered, and if forgiveness has been given, then it is possible that you may learn to trust your spouse. Underswtand that this is just the beginning of a long and sometimes frustrating road. Much time will be spent in talking, and more important, in listening. The spouse who has committed the offense must prove himself or herself over time, by actions, deeds, and the establishment of a legitimate track record of truth. If you wish to learn to trust your spouse again, then you must also live up to your word of forgiveness. Bringing up a betrayal in anger, or using it as an emotional weapon after forgiveness has been granted, will only lead to disaster.
@boathugger- I agree somewhat with you. However, there are times when you have been with someone for years and then something happens to cause one to distrust the other. I personally experienced something like that.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We had the nice home and happy little family. We were high school sweethearts. However, he started coming home late from work and telling me that his firm had taken on a new client and he had to work late. It got later and later. After weeks of this and other odd behaviors, I hired a private investigator who confirmed my suspicions. My husband was having an affair.
Oddly enough, we are still
together. It wasn’t an easy road, though. Trusting him again seemed impossible to me. We went to marriage counseling. We became active in our church. However, it always seems to be in the back of my head. I don’t know that he will ever earn my 100% trust back.
I firmly believe that the trust should be earned before a wedding even takes place. You should be at that level of comfort long before a wedding date is set. I might be a little old-fashioned but I believe in long engagements. That way, you have a better chance of seeing all sides of a person’s life and personality. You can see them at their worst and see them at their best.
With a short engagement, you will probably only see the good side. The trust issues could very well start shortly after the wedding.
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