It’s relatively impossible to get a unwilling spouse to attend marriage counseling sessions with you, unless they are court ordered. If the person really does not want to go, one can’t force a spouse to go to marriage counseling sessions. Further if the spouse agrees to attend marriage counseling but isn’t willing to commit to change, counseling sessions may prove of little benefit.

However, in some cases, a spouse might simply feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a stranger about problems. Or he or she may feel that the counselor and the spouse who wants to attend marriage counseling will use this time to gang up on him or her. In these cases, talking with the spouse about his or her reluctance to attend marriage counseling may help encourage the spouse to at least try it out.

Another approach that can be helpful for the spouse who is defensive is to ask the spouse to attend marriage counseling sessions for you. When the spouse does not feel that marriage counseling is going to end up being a confrontational environment, but may actually help a wife or husband, he may go with no admission that both parties in the marriage contribute to its problems.

Most psychologists feel that if a spouse truly won’t attend marriage counseling, the person who wants to attend counseling should still go. Individual counseling can help one clearly define one’s own needs and issues. If the reluctant spouse notices that you benefit from counseling, he or she might be more open to it in the future.

A spouse who is concerned about sharing his personal feelings in marriage counseling sessions might also be willing to work through a self-help book out on healthy marriage. This might in turn lead to a greater interest in counseling in the future, or might help address some of the key problems in the marriage.

If one person is already in counseling, one pitfall should definitely be avoided. An individual counselor should not become one’s marriage counselor. There may be a significant conflict of interest, and an established rapport with a marriage counselor could put the other spouse on the defensive from the beginning. If one is already in counseling, ask one’s current therapist for recommendations of marriage counselors who can start fresh with both husband and wife and display no partiality.

Marriage counseling is generally most effective when both partners are willing to go, and want to change their habits. However, in lieu of counseling with a reluctant partner, look to alternatives like books, TV shows like the Dr. Phil show, and tapes or programs that may help one’s spouse ultimately feel more comfortable. Also, attend counseling privately, when a spouse is unwilling. Counseling at the very least gives one a place to discuss hurt and frustration over issues in a marriage. This may help diffuse tension within a marriage.